Lately, counselling clients, I keep running into the same revelation more and more often: underneath all our problems there actually lies a need for love. This article is not about "what is love?" but about where love is hidden, how we should really love and how we should accept love. What makes neurotic love different from healthy love?
You will find answers to the following questions: "am I able to love?", "do I love myself and the people close to me?", "do I know anything at all about love?", "how do I accept love?", "how can I show my love to my partner?".
There is a great deal of information about love, just as there is about love languages, rescuing, victims, persecutors, personal boundaries, help and indifference, advice and defences. And, as always, the more information there is, the more confused we become and the less we know "what the right way is". You will ask: "what has one got to do with the other?" You will get an answer to that question too. Having read this article, you will be able to work out how to act depending on the circumstances, on your own qualities, on the actions or words of the other person.
Let us begin with relationships with the people closest to us, because they are the very ones who can cause us pain and hurt us, and above all you cannot brush them off, cannot walk past them, cannot make yourself pay no attention. But the most important thing is that they are not indifferent to us, nor we to them, and if we see that one of our loved ones is ruining themselves, then of course we start rescuing, protecting, teaching, solving their problems and so on — precisely out of love for them. And very often we do it wrongly, and every wrong action brings negative consequences with it.
After reading this paragraph my colleagues and people who are well worked through psychologically may smile to themselves. Because they know that in reality nobody can hurt, insult or humiliate us. So let me explain: this article is written for those who have not been through therapy, training courses or study, for those who do not know and have never felt either their own boundaries or anyone else's. The aim of the article is not to teach that, but to show logically where, when and how to act rightly, so as to do harm neither to yourself nor to the person close to you.
"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself". Gospel of Mark 12:31
These words carry an enormous meaning for me, and the more I study psychology, the more I counsel, the more I work on my own development, the deeper the meaning I find in them. Sometimes these words seem boundless! Ever since I went through my own personal therapy and dug into myself as deeply as one possibly can, the meaning of these words has become not only clear to me — I now cannot even imagine "how it could be otherwise". I will say honestly, hand on heart, that a good counsellor never stops examining themselves; that is what supervision was created for.
A human being is a bottomless universe with a most fascinating world of their own inside!
Of course, not knowing ourselves, not knowing our true needs, remaining in the dark, being a puppet first of all of our own unconscious traumas and defences and only then of our parents, of society, of the state — we do not love ourselves, and if that is so, how can we come to love our neighbour?
We think that we love and know ourselves, and we treat those around us in exactly the same way, sincerely wishing both ourselves and them well. But how often it turns out that we do harm both to ourselves and to those close to us. Here we touch upon the subject of personal boundaries.
This is where the understanding has to arrive that by studying and observing ourselves attentively we will thereby understand others better as well. And there is no need to shout about Individuality (read about it here); those who are residents of the club already know what I mean! This calls for honesty, and first of all with oneself. Answer the following questions for yourself:
- do I know for certain that this will be good for the person close to me, or am I meeting my own need to be needed, significant, loved, my wish to have someone depend on me, my wish to realise my ambitions, my needs and so on?
- am I quite sure that my interference will not do even greater harm?
- am I assessing the situation realistically?
- am I objective?
- do I really have the experience, the knowledge, the information that will help this person?
- And so on.
All these questions can only be answered rightly from the position of an adult. And adulthood here is not measured by your passport; here we are talking about psychological age. Let me tell you a secret: only 5% of the population are genuinely grown-up, harmonious personalities — and I do not mean counsellors)))))))
As you can see, without self-knowledge worked through with a professional we are unlikely to be able to answer these questions honestly.
"Love your neighbour as yourself, by all means. But first be such as love themselves." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Self-love is not selfishness, although many people, having been through fashionable training courses, swing sharply in that direction, which brings even greater problems in relationships and then disappointment in oneself, and from there a drop in self-esteem and a retreat into depression.
In fact you should love yourself in such a way that the people around you feel comfortable with you too. And that means knowing your own boundaries and knowing the boundaries of others; you could define it as having tact, a sense of fellow feeling, empathy. And once again we have run up against self-knowledge.
Self-love is also caring for yourself, and yet very often we lay ourselves on the sacrificial altar for the sake of our children, our family, our work and so on. Here the question is one of "parental permission", of the "life script"; many people simply cannot allow themselves to rest, to buy something nice to eat, to refuse to take on extra work. The inability to say "No" belongs here as well.
Further:
"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." Gospel of Matt. 7:12
You would think nothing could be simpler! And yet here too we do not manage it.
Nobody likes being taught, advised, scolded and so on. And yet there is a use in this too. After all, if we are not a matter of indifference to someone, then that person is simply obliged to warn us that we are doing something wrong. And likewise, any person may point out to us that we have stepped over their boundary and ask us to "withdraw", which naturally provokes a mass of resentment and even aggression in neurotic people. Why? Read on below.
How can we point out a mistake or a bad deed in such a way that it benefits the person, makes his or her life better or at least does no harm? How can we get across to our partner that something in the relationship has to change? Who are we to do that? And is it worth stepping in at all with our advice, our lecturing and, in some situations, our demands?
On the one hand such questions are fair and the answers to them are obvious to everyone; but what if it concerns your child or the people closest to you? What if the fate of someone you love is not a matter of indifference to you? What if you are already at the end of your tether and trying with all your strength to get through to your partner? Here you can no longer just walk past. I believe that in situations which will lead to an irreparable mistake it is simply necessary to point it out, to support, to advise — but in the right way…… That is precisely one of the expressions of love. The Church Fathers write that if a brother's deed is leading him to his ruin, then it is necessary to point this out to him.
So how do we tell where love, care and mercy begin, and where this becomes rescuing (see the Karpman drama triangle), a violation of someone else's boundaries?
First of all, if we are not talking about a child, then you should begin by asking whether the person wants to be given advice. If it is about your partner and you are on the verge of falling apart and want to put the relationship right, then it is also important to convey your view of the situation to your partner properly. If it is about a violation of social, moral or religious rules or of your own boundaries, then such a question would be out of place. Yet it is worth speaking about it, and here what matters is not only the words and the tone but also framing your speech in the first person. We should speak from the "I": that is, "I feel such and such when …………", "I will not accept such and such, and therefore…….", "I tried this, I think it would be useful for you too", "I believe that if we talk to each other in such and such a way, it will benefit us both", "I think such and such a thing will make you better, or will improve your state, your life, our relationship……" and so on.
We should say it kindly, "in his language", in keeping with the person, with his development, his age, his rules, principles and values — pointing out that he is acting wrongly, badly, that it will lead to negative consequences and do him harm.
What do we actually do?
We stick our nose in, unasked, without care, and often with undisguised aggression or indignation. We speak from "our own bell tower", we barge in in keeping with our development, our age, our rules, principles and values. Often we choose exactly the words and the tone we ourselves would not like to hear addressed to us. And so what we get is rejection, resistance, refusal — even when we are right. And often, with our words and our behaviour, we point at the person's personality, implying that he is "bad", whereas the deed has to be separated from the personality. But most often we point something out to a person not out of good motives but in order to manipulate him — mothers and wives are especially guilty of this!!!
It is very important to understand here that every person acts with a positive intention, even if what they do is condemned by society. People always act in order to meet their needs. Those needs may be hidden even from the person themselves, but the unconscious cannot be deceived; it will make you act in such a way as to cover the need anyway. This can only be sorted out through therapy and work on oneself. But that is not the point right now; the point is that a person does not know themselves why they act one way and not another, and often it is clearer from the outside. And there is no need to mix condemnation into it, since the person is not aware of their own needs.
So how do we accept the love (the care) of those close to us?
In fact the answer lies in what has been said above. As soon as we come to know ourselves, everything becomes much simpler and happens of its own accord.
Interaction and contact with others very often comes with negative emotions and reactions. Why? Can it really be that everyone who turns to us has deliberately planned to cause us discomfort or negative emotions?
In fact, no. It is that we get "thrown" into our own traumas, or that our "defences" react that way.
Let me give an example — a crude one, but a very telling one:
If you tell someone where to go using Russian obscenities, will everyone react the same way? No. The first will take offence, the second will punch you in the face, the third will swear back, the fourth will laugh, the fifth will say nothing, the sixth will stop talking to you, the seventh will ask "what have I done?" and so on. You can run the experiment yourself.
So why do people react differently to rude treatment? As I have said, it all depends on our traumas, our defences, our parental beliefs, the level of our psychological health and so on.
So what should we do?
And again it is all simple. Ask why the person is doing such and such; say from your own perspective, without judgement, what you experience when they act or speak that way; ask whether this information will make you better, where and in what way it can help you. Or another option — simply say that you appreciate the care but you did not ask for advice.
Yet here too a great many problems arise. Because we do not know how to communicate in this format. And why? Because for the most part we spend our lives either in the "Child position" or in the "Parent position" (read about Berne's Transactional Analysis).
When we listen to a remark from someone, even from someone close to us, we often react to it on the basis of the sensations their words have produced in us. And we do not look objectively at our reactions and at the processes going on inside, because that is it…….we are trapped in our traumas. And even if we understand that the person closest to me is saying something out of the best of intentions, that he or she does not mean to hurt us, we still cannot do anything about ourselves.
Of course here too you have to be attentive and well worked through, in order to see from which position the words are being spoken, whether there is a hidden meaning in them, whether the person is judging by their own standards or whether this is objective.
All in all, whichever way you turn it, you will have to make sense not only of yourself but of others too. And analysing yourself will help with that as well.
I cannot get through to them! But should I?
Here too it is all simple. If you have warned someone once or twice, shielded them, helped them, kept them safe, and the person does not hear you, does not take your advice, pushes you away, steps on the same rake again and again…….
What should you do?
Just leave them alone! Yes, yes! Exactly that! Even if it is your own child — of course I understand that this is very hard, and for some people simply impossible — if you step back, it will do you both good.
As for other social contacts, then if there is any possibility, it is better to distance yourself from such a person altogether, because you are spending your strength, your energy and your time on them, while over them you are committing psychological violence — "inflicting good on them", "loving them to death".
Have you heard this?
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you". Gospel of Matt.
Here it is the holy word that is meant, and yet I see that any useful information, any advice, knowledge or experience can also be mapped onto this saying. Because the one who has "grown up" enough to understand and accept will hear you, while the one who has not merely wastes your strength and your time; what is more, he or she may even mock you, do you harm, nurse a grudge and so on. Incidentally, this applies to trolls as well (read here https://freud.online/articles/kak-borotsya-s-trollingom and here). If by their very nature a person cannot see the whole real picture, cannot appreciate your care, your words and your love, then it is better even to keep information from them, or to give only part of it, or not to insist — you have said it once and that is enough.
And something more to reflect on, about self-love.
"With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright; with the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward." Ps. 17:26
I do not think it needs explaining that a person who cares for themselves, who wants to make their life better, who wants to come to know themselves in order to understand others better, will consider these words and make the right choice.
Choose your friends, your teachers and your information wisely!
Share your thoughts with us!
How do you understand love?
How do you show it?
How do you accept it?
Are you able to step back?
Did you find this article useful?
© Natallia Nechai
