In today's world it is very easy to meet someone, to fall in love and even to start a romance at a distance. In this article we look at whether long-distance love is a good thing, how it can end, and who needs it and why. I also offer you an interesting piece of research on the subject, carried out on social media.
Many people will say: "That is not for me". But there are also those with an inner need for exactly this kind of difficult relationship, for obstacles that have to be overcome. For such people it is a real thrill to wait for a call, to plan when he or she will arrive, to wait. What makes these relationships attractive is that you sort of have someone and yet your freedom is preserved as well (no control, no having to account for yourself).
Couples like this have their own hidden motives, sometimes conscious, more often not. But the main thing is that there is a goal: "one day we will be together!" And that goal gives them strength and warms the heart.
And then the long-awaited day comes, the lovers are together, the shared arch-enemy — distance — has been destroyed! The goal is reached!
What do you think happens next? How long will their joy last without the little rush of adrenaline from the calls, the waiting for a meeting, the goodbyes? Will they be able to be happy seeing each other every day? Or was it all a pleasant game?
After doing a bit of research, this is what came out:
Opinions were divided, but most people believe that long-distance love does not exist, and that if it does, it does not last long.
Some prefer exactly this kind of relationship because of their introverted preferences and their love of freedom. If a person considers themselves an introvert, or is convinced that a relationship will cost them their personal freedom, then distance is a screen to hide behind. It is also clear that we all understand the word "LOVE" differently.
In fact a great deal depends on your personality psycho-type, which begins to take shape while you are still in the womb. The exact mechanisms have not been researched yet, but there is an assumption that, depending on the mother's physical and emotional state, on her thoughts, positive or negative, on the way she reacts to the world around her — and let us add genetics and hormones — we get a child with a particular psycho-type.
In different countries, different psychologists call them by different names.
And how is that connected with long-distance love, you ask?
Very simply. Certain psycho-types are more inclined to distress (suffering), to solitude, to daydreaming, to strong sensations — in short, to everything that "long-distance love" gives us.
Add life scripts to that and........voilà!
In reality, healthy relationships can only be built by healthy people, and only when they live in the same place!
Below are some of the comments on the subject of "long-distance love".
1. More often than not, love dies before the reunion
2. In my view it is better to split this into 2 questions: 1) a relationship at a distance; 2) a relationship with a living person. The first is built on a notion, on some unattainable dream cut off from reality. Relationships like that can set off a huge surge of love hormones. But in reality you may not like the way the person smells, or the way they touch you. The second is a living relationship, you see everything, all the skeletons are out of the cupboard. But it is reality and not an illusion, it is honest. Maximum realism.
- this assumes that the people have already met in person, but only briefly, on a visit, so to speak.
- Dopamine (the anticipation of a meeting) is produced in very large amounts; real life will never offer that kind of anticipation. Romantic relationships have to be thought through and understood. Falling into the dopamine trap is extremely easy, even for someone who understands these processes.
3. A long-distance relationship is essentially a virtual form of relationship built on a distortion of reality, and a relationship built on distortions is always an enormous stress for our psyche.
4. Distance is a magnificent playground for projections. And in general I have always felt that the aim of such relationships is not to overcome difficulties but, on the contrary, to avoid a normal relationship for as long as possible. Something like "I am fine, I am in a relationship", while in fact staying independent.
5. Long-distance love does not exist: either people move in together or they do not, and keeping it up at a distance for a long time is sheer wilfulness — while one of them is in love, the other is quietly seeing someone else.
6. Well, it is not like in Disney cartoons, where there is a wedding and that is the end, no more fairy tale. We spent about 5 years in a relationship 1200 km apart. Daily Skype calls were starting to drive me mad. I got very, very tired of it. And then he moved in with me. I got pregnant and had a daughter — such a joy :) she is simply lovely. We had a second little one. Our daughter is already at school, our son at nursery, we have been together 13 years. I do not miss those Skype conversations one bit, or waiting for him to arrive, or the calls — NO, God forbid! I am glad that I travel to my home country together with him and the children, and that we leave together!! It is wonderful!
7. And I caught myself thinking that by now I have a mania for falling head over heels for a man on the other side of the world. It once went on like that for about three years. In the end the whole thing infuriated me and I deleted Skype. Now I have caught myself thinking that I like a man who also lives far away from me; the two of us write academic papers together, we do not even talk on the phone, and I do all the writing, I write to him, while he only writes first now and then, on business. And there I am, daydreaming away about how we will be together. Forty-two years old and still dreaming, it is ridiculous. So I wonder whether I might be a masochist))). But how lovely it is to live in a fairy tale :). And that is why I do not want to get involved with men. Or perhaps I do not want to lose my real independence. Or I am afraid that a man will not be able to accept my son and love him.
8. OK! And what about love when the man or the woman works away on a rota? That is, we live in the same flat, we see each other, we share a budget, but! once a week / month / year… Relationships with long-haul drivers, cosmonauts, sailors…
For me personally the answer is simple: if you value your personal space, your free time, your career… then you need time on your own for all of that. Or if you are an introvert, a creative person, a thinker… someone for whom having another person around all the time is irritating or gets in the way. In those two cases a relationship without daily "contact" is absolutely your thing.
9. I have been thinking about this, and I think the question is not about them. The question is precisely about the people who create problems out of nothing. A sort of dream that is hardly ever going to come true, because the relationship is not the real goal.
10. It seems to me that to some degree many people want a relationship, but "love 24/7" does not suit everyone. It certainly does not suit me. So a relationship that does not involve seeing each other every day is ideal for me. Unconsciously it is easier for me to "fall in love" with a long-haul driver, a foreigner, a scientist… than with the guy from the yard next door.
11. Yes, if the feelings were mutual, if they were returned, we would have been together long ago, but here there are a lot of buts. One of them is in love, and the other answers simply out of politeness but prefers solitude, calm and independence. That is why they are not together.
• I cannot agree, both partners can love each other and still want time for something outside the relationship
• Yes, that happens too. I agree.
• that is in fact the only normal option: to love, but also to do something outside the relationship. Everything needs balance. It is when everything is for the sake of the relationship that you should run for your life )))))))
• agreed! In my view, the thing that gets promoted as the ideal relationship, with kissing from morning till night, raises more questions for me about their mental health than long-distance love does.
12. yes, that is exactly what we see in so many TV series — the promotion of unhealthy love! And the worst of it is that many people fall for it and consider their own relationship less than ideal compared with the film.
13. I am in a relationship like that, but there has been no adrenaline in it for a long time. It suits me, but I am socially phobic and have my own quirks anyway, so I think a relationship like this needs a particular make-up of the psyche.
14. No long-distance relationships! They are all sick relationships and self-deception. It is not a life.
© Natallia Nechai
