Many people complain that they find it hard to say the word “no”. They do not want to upset their partner, they agree to everything all the time, and if they do refuse someone, they let themselves be talked into changing their mind, because they feel an unbearable sense of guilt.
How often do you answer “yes” to someone's request, even when carrying it out demands a certain “sacrifice” from you? How often do you regret it and get angry with yourself for not being able to say “no”? How often do you say “yes” out of fear of looking bad in other people's eyes? If that happens rather often, this article is for you.
Where does the fear of saying “no” come from?
The first “no” we hear from our parents, when we do something that endangers us or could do harm to someone or something. Besides that, we learn something from the way the people around us react to our own “no”. Parents often react to our “no” with incomprehension, criticism, reproach, hurt feelings, sometimes even physical violence. We come to understand that a “no” brings conflicts, quarrels, stress or punishment with it. Our parents most probably impressed on us that one has to be good all the time and must not refuse anyone. As adults we then stick to this pattern of behaviour: “Always be good to everyone, put other people's interests above your own.”
How does the fear of the word “no” usually show itself? What are we afraid of? We think about what will happen if we say no:
- We will be rejected;
- we will be condemned;
- we will disappoint, hurt or upset the person we say “no” to;
- we will be thought heartless and selfish;
- we will be punished;
- we will lose love, approval and recognition;
- one day we will be left alone and forgotten by everyone.
These negative thoughts fill us with fear, we are afraid to say “no”, and as a result we prefer to say “yes”, thereby avoiding the negative consequences. But do we really avoid them?
When we say “yes” again and again, although we would rather have said “no”, we usually get angry with ourselves. Our self-esteem suffers, because afterwards we count ourselves “weaklings”. One woman tells this story: “My sister has refused to help me more than once, with the excuse that she was busy. Once I asked her husband to help me with a move, to which she replied: ‘Well, you earn so well, hire somebody.’ I swore never to help her again, but the next time she asked for help, I agreed. Afterwards I felt like a complete fool.” The woman feels that her trust is being abused, she feels like a victim, used — and she goes on saying “yes”. The question arises: why, despite all of this, do we keep on pleasing everyone?
I asked her husband to help me with a move, to which she replied: ‘Well, you
used
despite all
Here are the typical answers you hear in a counselling session: “people love me more”; “others see me as a selfless, good person who is always ready to help”; “I avoid conflicts, quarrels and stress”; “I avoid the guilt that I would feel if I said ‘no’”; “I feel needed”.
If in future you say “no” more often, you will have to give up some of the advantages that saying “yes” brings you. Are you ready to make this sacrifice? Perhaps you will be, once you find out what exactly you gain when you say “no”.
What the word “No” brings you
Here are the advantages of saying “No”:
- We will be more content with ourselves and with our lives, because we live according to our own needs and not according to the wishes of others
- We will earn more respect. Surprising as it sounds, those who constantly say “yes” enjoy less respect than those who also say “no”.
- Our self-esteem will grow. We will be able to look in the mirror without seeing a “coward” there who is afraid to say “no”.
- We will no longer let others abuse our trust and use us.
Do these advantages outweigh the possible disadvantages? Decide for yourself. And remember: if your greatest worry about refusing is that you are afraid the person asking will turn away from you afterwards, ask yourself: “What am I losing?” A friend? An important person? Hardly. If he is fond of you only as long as you say “yes”, then he most probably does not care about you at all, does he? You are only interesting to him as long as you give him something. He loves not you, but your “yes”. Believe me, you can do without such a person.
you are afraid the person asking will turn away from you afterwards, ask yourself: “What
he is fond of you only as long as you say “yes”, then he most probably does not care about you
Is it easy to say “no”? Is it selfishness?
Is it easy at all to say “no”? No, it is not easy. It takes patience, practice and a certain amount of courage. Yes, courage. Why? Because we have to do the very thing we are afraid of to begin with. And some of our fears will most probably come true. Especially if we do it the wrong way. Other people are most probably not prepared for your “no” — especially if they are used to you always saying “yes”. Sometimes they will be disappointed or will accuse you of heartlessness or selfishness. Let us be honest: saying “no” can be very hard. But believe me, it is worth it!
For many people it is difficult to say the word “no”, because they themselves are reluctant to hear it. And when they have to say it to others, they feel guilty and have pangs of conscience, because, as they see it, they are being aggressive or selfish. But is that really so? Let us have a look. I do not consider the word “no” selfish or aggressive in the full sense of those words, at most a little bit. It helps us to show others our boundaries, it helps us to protect them and to stand up for our own interests, to which we have every right. In a certain sense that is selfish, because it is about us and our happiness and not about somebody else's happiness. And yet — it is a healthy selfishness. Who said that our happiness matters less than someone else's? The same can be said about the aggressiveness of this word. It is a healthy aggression, if the word “no” is said in the right way.
What does it take to learn to say “no”? The most important thing — is to strengthen your self-respect. Why self-respect in particular? The more we respect ourselves, the less we fear being rejected or being thought badly of.
Allow yourself to be a little selfish now and then. Yes, you read that correctly — selfish! If someone accuses you of selfishness because you said “no” to him, then he is manipulating you. He reproaches you with selfishness in the hope that you will do anything to make him call you “good”. How and when did he decide that you have to please him? How and when did he decide that he may pass judgement on you and your behaviour? If someone calls you selfish in the hope that you will start doing anything to earn his praise, you can hand his accusation of selfishness straight back to him with a clear conscience.
It is important to understand: when you say “yes” to someone else and at the same time say “no” to yourself, you bring up selfishness in others, because they get used to ignoring your interests and start abusing your trust. When you say “no”, do not use apologies, excuses or a quick white lie. Speak honestly and clearly: “I cannot”; “I have no time for that”; “No, that will not do”. You may give a reason for your no, but you are not obliged to. When you do give a reason for your refusal, make sure that you are not apologising for your no: “Please forgive me, do understand my refusal.” You have the right to say “no” whenever that suits you.
How to say “no” the right way
Four important points to know and always keep in mind:
- Understand that if you do not say “no” to someone else, you will be saying that “no” to yourself. For example: you were going to a concert, you bought the tickets and you are already looking forward to it; in the evening you are finally going, but before that, during the day, you have to work — and then your boss says, “Stay on a bit longer today.” What will you do? Will you stay, because you cannot refuse the boss, and miss the concert you wanted so much to go to? Or will you go to the concert and politely but firmly refuse the boss, because today you simply cannot stay longer? The choice is yours. Will you choose the boss's interests or your own? As you can see, it is very important to learn to say the word “no”. Because when you say “no” to him, you are at the same time saying “yes” to yourself.
- How do you do it without hurting anyone? How do you do it properly? If you speak respectfully and explain the situation, your boss or anyone else will understand. You can say: “I have great respect for you, and you know that I am always glad to help and almost never refuse you, and that I am ready to work longer at any time, tomorrow or next week, for example — but today things are such that I really cannot. And I would ask you to be understanding about it today, because this matters a great deal to me.” That is all. There is nothing difficult about it if you show your respect and, perhaps, your readiness to return the favour another time.
- Say “no” confidently and clearly, and stand your ground. Speak so that he or she has absolutely no doubt that this matters a great deal to you. If you mumble while you say it, nobody will simply believe that it really matters to you, and they will accordingly go on talking you into staying after all, or putting pressure on you. So you have to speak clearly, confidently and firmly, but still respectfully: “No, today I cannot. But I am ready to work longer on another day; you know me, I am always on your side, but today it is out of the question, I am sorry. Thank you for understanding.” And you — do you find it hard to say the word “no”? Write in the comments and share this article with your friends, perhaps it will help someone else too.
- When you say “no”, watch your body language. If your body language signals uncertainty and submissiveness, you will not be entirely convincing. So underline your no with your body language: keep your posture; hold your head straight and look the other person in the eye; say “no” in a firm, confident voice. You may be selfish now and then, even if it may seem to you that being selfish is bad. Remember: your interests matter just as much. You can practise your “no” in front of the mirror first. Picture the person who asks you for favours most often and to whom you give in far too often. Take a confident stance and say clearly: “NO”. What do you feel as you do it? Embarrassment, uncertainty, fear? That is natural. After all, you are used to saying “yes” all the time. So: practise until you can say your “no” with a good feeling. I wish you every success!
