Self-confidence is grown in us from childhood, first and foremost through the support of our parents. Parents who know about the "natural rights of the personality" will bring their children up properly and so strengthen their children's confidence. Not all of us, however, were lucky enough to be raised wisely, and now, as adults, we doubt ourselves and our decisions all the time, react to criticism and need other people's advice...
Do not despair!!! It can all be put right))) You can learn to believe in yourself again with these 6 tips.
Raise your self-confidence: here is how...
One day, during an online session, my client from Paris sat there in tears. As part of the sales training she was taking in order to move to another department and a higher position, she had received an assessment of her work. It said: "Ms S. should trust her own skills and knowledge more." My client felt caught out. Her trainer had noticed that she was unsure of herself; he had also noticed that her skills and knowledge mattered less to her than they should.
Symptoms of low self-confidence
- Worry about the future,
- Memories of failures and mistakes,
- Inner images of things that went wrong,
- Thoughts of failures and disasters to come,
- Constantly building plan A, plan B... right down to plan Z in your head
- Physical sensations: a racing heart, a dry mouth, red blotches on the face and neck, butterflies in the stomach, insomnia.
This is what many people go through every day in all sorts of contexts, and they end up caught in the cunning web of self-doubt: "I can't ...", "I won't manage it..", "This is too hard for me...", "I don't have the skills, the chances, the brains, the education .... to become, to achieve, to get....".
What does low self-confidence lead to?
The symptoms of low self-esteem described above are not as simple as they look, because once you think that way you land in a vicious circle.
The reverse is true as well: it matters that you take fear and uncertainty by the hand and act. Self-confidence follows - that very feeling of confidence we did not receive as children, so that we understand "with our heads" what it is but feel nothing. Now we have to take certain steps to gain that feeling, and it will stay with us for good. People who lack self-confidence live off the values (qualities) they have set themselves and do not allow themselves the life that would suit them. When your answer to the question "Am I living the life that suits me?" is "No", then it is time to do something about it! Working on your own values, which in turn shape your self-esteem and your confidence, is a simple matter, but it has to be done step by step.
Reach your goals with more confidence
Recognising your own qualities matters, because your personal goals follow from them. And reaching a goal takes confidence. Confidence is therefore always tied to a goal. We do not want self-confidence for its own sake, but because we want to use it to reach a goal.
Ask yourself:
- What would be different if I had confidence?
- How would I act?
- What would I start?
- What would I finish?
- Which goals would I pursue?
- Which dreams would I make come true?
How do self-confident people behave?
People with a high level of self-confidence know their goals, and the thoughts wandering through their heads, especially the negative ones, have almost no hold on them. They act anyway instead of reasoning at length and chewing over what they have in mind. They take their fear by the hand. High self-confidence does not mean the absence of fear. It is rather a different way of dealing with fear. While the mind sends up any number of reasons why something might fail, what obstacles lie in the way, how little talent we have compared with others and how dreadful the outcome could be, confident people find ways to reach their goal. You cannot manage that by thinking alone, only by doing.
What does healthy self-confidence consist of?
Only four things are needed:
- You spot (and use) useful thoughts while steering clear of useless ones.
- You know your values and needs and set yourself goals that fit them.
- You move into action deliberately - against the background of your goals.
- You practise what you need in order to reach your goals. This is about the necessary skills and abilities. You use them again and again. Feedback on what you do helps you check whether anything needs changing.
Action strengthens confidence
In fact, to gain confidence we first of all need action. Get going - the feeling grows out of the doing. Self-confidence is always an act of taking part and of trust. Attentive focus on whatever they are doing is typical of people with high confidence. They are deeply involved in what they do and are always present - whether they are playing sport, sitting in business meetings or building sandcastles with a child. People with high self-esteem know how to give their attention to the task. They understand that negative thoughts about failure are of no use in solving the task at hand.
Self-esteem, self-confidence, self-trust, self-acceptance - are they all one and the same?
One and the same, and yet different? No, the terms are far from describing a single thing.
For me, self-esteem is an overall construct made up of self-confidence and self-acceptance, along with social competence. I treat self-confidence as a synonym for self-esteem: it expresses the fact that I am aware of myself and of my worth as a living being.
Self-acceptance means that I accept myself as I am right now, and accept not only those sides of me that are lovely but also those I do not like. There are even people who say that high self-esteem is not a good thing at all, because it correlates with egoism and narcissism, and that such people tend towards discrimination and prejudice. I take a more differentiated view, because in the end anything in excess does no good: there should always be a golden mean.
Only people who work on their mental health regularly, who keep improving themselves, gain new skills and grow, can come close to the golden mean in anything. Neurotics, by and large, are always swinging to and fro like a pendulum.
6 tips for building self-confidence
Tip 1: your future self
Make a list: what would you be like and what would you do if you had confidence? It matters that you really write it down and do not just think it!
Tip 2: find the cause
Find the main cause of your low self-esteem. The cause ALWAYS goes hand in hand with a particular action. That is where your journey begins - allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone. Train that ability deliberately and with curiosity, and make a contract with yourself (in writing!): "If I want to achieve ... then I have to.... practise, do."
Tip 3: question your thoughts
Whenever reasons for not doing something come into your mind, question that thought: will it help me live the life of my dreams if I let this thought decide what I do?
Tip 4: find the meta-level
Is your mind sending you crushing verdicts? "I am a failure", "I can't do it anyway". Step out of that maze by saying: "I have noticed that a thought about failure has come to me."
Tip 5: let go of expectations
Say goodbye to all inflated expectations.
Tip 6: accept fear
Take fear by the hand in moments of uncertainty. It is a valuable adviser: it makes you wake up and be present, and it gives you the energy to act.
