Many parents feel that once we have got through the crisis of the third year, life will glow with the bright colours of untroubled parenting — well, at least until the age of twelve or fourteen…
And they are quite unprepared for their first- or second-year pupil suddenly starting to show character or to behave like a “little king”. A great deal has been written about the crisis of the third year and there is almost nothing about the crisis of the seventh. But it exists, and I am going to say a little about it here.
As they grow up and develop, children go through settled periods and critical ones. The first kind pass calmly: the child develops, learns, and we are at peace beside them. And then a crisis comes into their life — frightening and snappish, and it gives us no peace. And every crisis has its own particular features (symptoms).
The symptoms of the crisis of the seventh year are wilfulness, negativism, disobedience and irritability. The child imitates the behaviour of adults. Their movements and phrases no longer match their age; they become absurd, deliberate, exaggerated. Repeating a parent's words, intonations and gestures word for word — all of this is a test of the attributes of “being grown-up”. The drive to change the existing rules of behaviour and the ways the family interacts is accompanied by frequent arguments and by ignoring what their elders ask of them. When an adult speaks to them, the child pauses and drags out any unpleasant duty, choosing a tactic (resistance, submission). They compare the rights and duties of the members of the family, spot the unfairness, complain about it openly, dig their heels in (refusing to go to bed, going out without a scarf, just like Dad).
In the early stage of the crisis the outward attributes of "being grown-up" matter to the child. The child defends their right to choose, judges the situation for themselves, makes decisions.
The second feature of this critical period is the need to take on rules, prohibitions, rights and duties. Exploring the limits of what is allowed is done “by trial and error” — the child ignores, denies and opposes what the adults ask.
The third feature is that, “now that they are grown up”, the child refuses to play their usual part — to play with a younger sister, to go to bed early. After all, they are grown up now.
The crisis has a physiological basis as well: at the age of six or seven the frontal lobes of the cerebral cortex are developing actively, and they are responsible for voluntary control — the ability to plan, to keep track of how an action is carried out, to foresee the consequences. That is why I always ask parents to treat this period with care. It is very easy to “break” a child's inner core during this period, but it will then be far harder for the child to plan and organise their own actions and to think about the consequences of what they do. But yes, in this period you need at least a wagonload of patience — and a small cartload on top of it, of course.
At the level of the psyche the following changes take place: what the child experiences becomes meaningful and is generalised; the "self" image splits into an inner one (self-esteem) and an outer one (how others assess you). The child builds up a system of values of their own, distinguishes "bad" from "good", "right" from "wrong". An image of themselves as a person within society is being formed.
In most cases the child manages to get over all the difficulties of this age and come out of the crisis on their own; even so, how well the child is and how they feel depends in large part on the parents during this period of their life. So what can we do to make life easier for ourselves and for our child?
Give your child a little freedom. They need ways of showing their independence. For example: tidying their room is compulsory, but the child is allowed to choose when and how.
Let them make mistakes. Yes, you are the grown-up, and yes, of course you know the better and quicker way, but you do not have to warn them about the consequences of everything. Let them try things and experiment (as long as it is safe for their life and health). Looking at the result will teach them to foresee problems and to answer for their own actions (in the evening I chose games instead of homework — in the morning I got a bad mark).
It is best not to step into your child's affairs by offering help when they have not asked for it. There is no more effective parental support than not interfering. In bringing up a seven-year-old it is important to let them feel all the consequences of their actions — or of doing nothing at all. Give them a little freedom, and your child may well come to you for advice and help of their own accord — which is a very important skill in itself! Being able to ask for help.
Give your child the chance to argue with you now and then. They need to say what they think, and adults need to take that opinion into account. That way the child will come to see that demanding something for no reason is not the best way to go about it.
When they first start school you should take an interest in how your child is getting on, but it is important to understand that at this moment what matters to them is not how well they are doing in their lessons but the new friendships and the interests they are discovering. So questions about marks are best kept for a more suitable time. For the personality of a seven-year-old, the appearance of self-esteem plays a very important part, and it is very bad if they are undervalued. Here the child can be helped by parents and by those close to them, who will praise and encourage them in every way. And here too it is important to remember that praise must have grounds — not "you are my treasure, because you are my son". You drew that beautifully; well done for having a go; I am proud that you washed up all by yourself.
A child's certainty that their parents love them and need them will help them to get through the crisis of the seventh year with ease.
