Those who know me well know that in my work I very much enjoy working with teenagers. I remember bringing a sandbox into the children's home for sand play therapy, and how astonished everyone was at how eagerly our difficult teenagers began to play. Yes, they played; at first they made a show of finding it completely uninteresting, of it all being for “the little ones”, but once they had started they could not stop. Well, the collection of Marvel superheroes certainly played its part too.
That is exactly what teenagers are: rebellion, the assertion of their own “I”, and at the same time still small children who need love and support.
So what are parents to do in such a difficult period? How do you let your children grow up, how do you let them be independent and yet not stop being their parents?
There is one universal rule: the more you push your children, the more they defend themselves and dig their heels in.
Ignoring you or exploding are the two most common ways a teenager reacts to parents.
But if you are reading this, you already know what is hard about the teenage years, so I would rather write about what can help you as a parent.
1. Start from understanding, even if you do not understand.
Here is a simple secret that will help you. However hard it may be, try to begin every interaction with your teenager from understanding, even if you do not entirely agree, or do not even quite grasp what he is talking about.
Here is an example. You have seen your child chatting online with friends instead of getting ready for school. It drives you mad, because you are thinking: "he is barely coping at school, and he does not realise he has homework to do."
Your teenager, on the other hand, is thinking: "I have to get on VKontakte and talk to Kolya. If we don't make up after today's row in the gym, all the other classmates will be against me."
You and your child live in two different realities. Ask your child, honestly, why he is chatting. Try to understand his reality, even if you do not quite understand it. Once you have understood what is going on, try saying:
"I understand how hard it is for you when you fall out with one of your friends. I also know that you have that test to sit tomorrow. Schoolwork is your job and it is your responsibility. Let's sit down and think about how to manage your time this evening."
Try not to say "I understand, but...", which simply destroys what you have just said. Start from a place of understanding and try to put yourself in your teenager's shoes before you tell him what needs to change.
I have noticed that this opens children's ears. Instead of defending themselves against you, they actually listen.
2. Do not give in to emotion and do not take it personally.
Emotions are your enemy when you are trying to get through to your teenager. Remind yourself that what he says and does is not a reflection on you. You may not like the way he behaves — or even the way he thinks — but keep your emotions out of it, even if his behaviour affects you.
This is not just difficult, it is soooo difficult, but it is very, very effective, and it is a skill you can acquire like any other.
Sometimes I tell parents to repeat this phrase to themselves before talking to their teenagers:
"That is just his clumsy reaction. It is not personal."
When you really think about it, there is no reason at all to be angry with your child for being himself. He may be making poor choices, but the truth is that he does not yet have the skills to make better ones. So your task is to help him make the right choices, so that he can in turn develop better problem-solving skills.
When you feel let down, remember: Do not take it personally.
3. Ask Honest Questions...Not Loaded Questions
Ask your teenager about his ideas and be ready to work together. Let him see that you believe in him and that you are not angry with him for what he thinks is important in his life. When a teenager sees that you have faith in his abilities and that he has room to work things out for himself, he becomes more decisive and more independent.
Do not ask loaded questions that put your child on the defensive. Questions like "Why can't you get up on time? What on earth is wrong with you?" will only lead to conflict, not to a solution. Instead, try opening the conversation with:
- Vanya, have you any ideas about how you could get up on time?
If he says he does not know, offer a few of your own and ask which of them suits him. Let your teenager know that his problems are his responsibility. Give him the chance to solve his own problems.
But do be sure to let him know that you are there to help him find solutions, to talk it through with him. Oh, and don't forget to let him deal with the natural consequences of his behaviour. Solving problems means carrying responsibility.
Your ultimate goal is to help your child think for himself. Thinking for himself will in turn help him feel that he has control over his own world.
4. You do not "need" your child to behave well
It sounds paradoxical, but if you think the phrase through it is no longer so strange. The moment you need something from your child so that you can feel better (most often this is about atoning for your own guilt), you put yourself in a vulnerable position, because the teenager is under absolutely no obligation to give it to you.
When you need something and do not get it, you naturally try harder, controlling and manipulating more. And your teenager will become more and more defiant, or passively compliant — and neither is any good.
The truth is that you do not need anyone else to hold you up. You should not shift the solving of your problems onto your teenager. So if your child is behaving inappropriately, that is his problem. Your task is to decide how you are going to behave towards him. That is in your hands, not in his.
Ask yourself: "how do I want to act, regardless of how he acts? What can I put up with and what can I not?" Gather your willpower and tell yourself "if my child shouts at me, then instead of asking him to stop I can turn round and walk away without going into battle."
Let your child know that you will not talk to him until he talks to you with respect. Here is the truth: when you are not trying to make your child change, you can work out what matters in this relationship for you. And your child will be less insolent, because there will be no one for him to fight. When you are not trying to control him and not reacting to him, he will have to struggle with himself rather than with you.
5. Do nothing until you have both calmed down
This works in any relationship. And it is the same with teenagers.
When the emotions have levelled out, you can sit down and talk to him. If you try to talk to your child and he is rude or angry, you will have to keep hold of yourself and make sure you are not drawn into yet another row. And that is very hard, really very hard. If your relationship with your child is currently such that an open, respectful conversation is impossible, remember that your job is still to remain his parent.
There are words that can support you at such a moment: "I will not go into conflict, whatever happens." If you are consistent, your teenager's baiting and resistance will lessen over time. This is called talking to yourself, and it really does work.
And do not blame yourself if you are sometimes drawn into a showdown or into shouting — staying strong is not easy. The good news is that the more often you refuse to take part in such rows, the easier it will become for you to stay calm.
