In this article we take a close look, with examples, at what Sleight of Mouth patterns are and when to use them. They are verbal templates, tactical manoeuvres that let you glide gently onto another subject in an argument or under attack. If you do not like the subject of the conversation, find another one, fast.

At the very least it is a way of stepping out of the line of fire; at best, a way of moving to the subject where you feel comfortable. All of it delivered with a clear and sincere look in your eye.

A short digression: at the end of the article there is a "PRACTICE DRILL": you are given a "dig" taken from business life and a Sleight of Mouth pattern with which you have to "parry" it.

A. Widening the frame

He talks small, you talk big. He talks about the jacket, I talk about fashion.

1. Meta frame.

The motto: "it is all nothing next to the world revolution".

• Where on earth have you been? – Everyone runs late in life.
• What a hideous top you are wearing! – There is a lot of imperfection in this world!
• Where did you dig up such an awful girl? – There are all sorts of women in the world!
• You went through a red light! – Our traffic rules have needed changing for a long time...
• What a strange haircut you have got! – Haircuts in general have been tending to be strange lately. People's tastes change.

2. Model of the world

The motto: "if celebrities do it, who are you to pass judgement".

• What is that ridiculous haircut? – Conchita Wurst has exactly the same one! Then we discuss her haircut and agree that she will change it in time. What difference does it make!
• What an idiotic thought – That is Aristotle!

3. Consequences

The motto: "if you have nothing to say, you can always frighten people with the consequences". And the words "it might" can quietly be left out.

• What a ridiculous haircut you have got! – So you have said your piece about my haircut. It has left a nasty taste. Have you thought about what our relationship will be like from now on?

4. Hierarchy of criteria

The motto: "and is that a good way to behave?". "Which matters more?"

• He bought me a silly necklace! – Which matters more to you, that the necklace does not suit you, or that I want to give you presents? And is that any way to accept a present?
• Which matters more to you, that I did not ring you, or that I was thinking about you?
• And is it good form on your part to call people names before you have looked into the reasons?
• Have you no conscience, saying such a thing to me?
• Which matters more to you, that everything should be all right, or that you should get what you want?

5. Intent

The motto: "I meant it for the best!"

• Why are you late? – I was looking for flowers, did not find any, but I tried, out of love.
• Where did the 15 billion go? – We hoped it would work! It was a good idea! We wanted to speed up the freight after all
• Why did you buy that silly brooch? – I thought it would go with the blouse – It does not! – Well, it did not work out!
• A promising experiment, it produced a great many additional results but unfortunately did not live up to the hopes placed in it, and is no longer being run.

Intent is used roughly the way Baron Munchausen used it:

B. Shrinking the frame

He talks big, you talk small. He talks about the jacket, I talk about the button.

6. Chunking down

The motto: "reduce it to trifles". Afterwards those trifles can be discussed for as long as you like, and you can even agree about them. The main thing is to get well away from the subject. Salespeople often study this as "handling objections". We ask about the very thing nobody had any complaint about in the first place.

• Where have you been all this time? – Do you really call these miserable 10 minutes time?
• This is oversalted! – Come on, are we really going to have a debate over 2 grams of salt!
• With contradictions like these... – So we did not agree on 2 points, so what?
• Are serious people like us really going to spend time discussing 2 or 3 tonnes of fuel oil?
• Why are you being rude to me? – Come on, one word slipped out of context, and now what?
• What nonsense is written here! – Which bit exactly, which word is wrong here?
• What a rubbish car! – Ah, but what a cruise control it has!
• Who made this suit? – I am responsible for the buttons. Any complaints about the buttons?
• What a revolting colour! – Well, it has a lovely shine to it!

7. Reality strategy

The motto: "and how did you find that out?" With a sincere look in your eye, pure honest curiosity: the person goes into detail and keeps talking while we drift further and further away. Break rapport and it turns into an attack of your own. You present it as a wish to get to the bottom of things... The same thing as meta-modelling. You ask a question.

• What a nasty car! – And how do you decide that?
• The colour is nasty – And what are you comparing it with? And who told you that? And what did he mean by it?

8. Counter-example

The motto: "it was not so once, so it is never so". When we hear a generalisation — "you always", "you never" — we understand that the person has drawn a sweeping conclusion from one or two remarks. In that case we can brazenly do the same. We find another small example and draw a sweeping conclusion of our own.

• You were late yesterday! – I arrived on time yesterday. I am a very punctual person in general.
• You quarrel with everybody! – Serafima and I get on splendidly. I am a very easy person to live with!
• You always dress horribly! – Well, Tanya liked it! I dress brilliantly, actually!

9. Apply to self, or "takes one to know one"

The motto: "what a ridiculous attack". Turn the same judgement back onto the fact of the attack on you. You have judged me, and now I do the same with regard to the fact of the attack on me (not on you). One person makes an attack, the other attacks the attack itself, in the very same words.

• You are always late! – And is it not rather late for you to be telling me this?
• How rude to turn up late! – And is it not rude to say that to me in that tone?
• You have no taste! – And what does it say about your taste that you notice it so plainly?
• What cowardice... – How cowardly of you to say that to me right now!
• How incompetently the equipment has been installed! – And how competent is it to make such complaints precisely now, once the equipment has been installed.

C. Shifting the frame

He talks about the jacket, I talk about wellington boots. The most brazen and the most effective method.

10. Redefining

The motto: "another name — another subject". We start discussing something completely different that suits us better.

• What have you got to say about your cowardice? – About my caution I can say that...
• What have you got to say about your cheek? – About my determination in reaching a goal I can say that...
• How do you explain being late? – My unavoidable delay...
• Stupidity – A tendency to think things through thoroughly...
• Slowcoach – He gives problems fundamental consideration
• Political short-sightedness – That is deep moral purity.
• You are always late – I manage my own time skilfully.
• Why are you calling me names? – I am not calling names, I am calling things by their proper names.
• Wilful absenteeism – A new, innovative form of work organisation.

11. Analogy

The motto: "we tell fables", but keeping rapport. People should think of you as someone who tends to reason like this, meaningfully. A metaphor applied to a specific purpose. A way of gliding off and taking the edge off the other person's conscious mind.

• You are a burdock – You know, if a burdock were not a burdock but a thistle, there would have been no burdocks left in our ecosystem long ago

12. Another outcome

The motto: "that is not the point, that is not what matters". With an honest look in your eye you say that you are going to talk about something else.

• You have worn us out! – The point is not whether I have worn you out, but how your unconscious is learning!
• You are not answering the questions! – The point is not whether I answer the questions, but whether you are getting answers!
• What matters is not what you are getting, but whether you are really getting it!
• The point is not whether you are getting it consciously, but whether you can use it.
• The point is not where I have been wandering about, but with what thoughts.
• The point is not where I was on Sunday, the point is what results I have turned up with today.

Shall we practise now?

Now it is time to practise answering "politically correct" digs. They have been collected from real business life and could quite easily be aimed at you at work or in sales. So then...

Fancy a try?

At the meetings of the Freud's Legacy club we practise live, at our online meetings, with the entertaining and light-hearted game "Dodging the Dig". Would you like to practise Sleight of Mouth? Send us a request and we will call you back with the details. Free of charge)