Independence. Today let's talk about it and about how we can help our children become independent. Many people say today that society has grown more infantile: young people are not ready to make decisions, not ready to answer for their actions, not ready to start families...
And all of that, of course, has its roots in childhood. So many parents shield their child to the point of smothering them with love. Can't tie your shoelaces? Supermum is already here - and hey presto, the laces are tied... no effort at all...
Don't feel like doing your homework? Stern dad is already here - and hey presto, under the weight of fear you are doing your homework... We keep "helping" our children by doing things for them and talking them into things, and in the process we stop developing their will altogether. So what should we do?
1. Start in the earliest years
Give the child room to move on their own, to try to sit up, to crawl, to get on their feet, to choose a toy. For a baby that is what independence looks like. It can be quite funny to hear young mothers say they have picked the very best toys for their little one, while those toys are simply pressed on the child under the banner of "look what a lovely toy". The child plays with a saucepan or a sweet wrapper - and it is immediately taken away and replaced with a "good and useful" toy.
2. Judge what the child does, not who the child is
If your little one has washed the dishes or tidied the toys away, praise them, even if the job wasn't done all that well. It matters to keep that spark alive in a child - the spark of wanting to do something. How would you feel if your every move were monitored and your every action were graded? Uncomfortable, of course. Better to do nothing at all than to do something and get no support for it.
3. Do things together!
Together, not instead) Before you demand, you have to teach. Show them where the toys belong by tidying up together, how to use a spoon or get dressed, how to play with Lego. A very common request from parents is: he won't play on his own! We start playing all together with mum, and it turns out that mum herself loses interest after five minutes and reaches for her phone to check for messages. Give your child a little patience, show them that play can be fascinating, and step by step they will learn to play without needing you there. It is worth remembering that small children really cannot hold their attention on one thing for long. In the preschool years the activity may change every 20-30 minutes, and that is no sign of hyperactivity or helplessness.
4. Don't redo it for your child
Because of their age, children cannot do things the way adults do. If your little one has done something badly, praise them and suggest redoing it properly - but together. That way you won't kill the wish to help. Don't rush to get things done without waiting for your child. We are often in a hurry and don't want to wait while a child gets dressed by themselves. Fine - give them that chance at the weekend, when there is no need to rush. And little by little they will learn to dress, and will do it quickly on weekdays too.
Along the way it is worth remembering that a child's independence is closely tied to our patience. And yes - no pain, no gain!
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