Grief is an inseparable part of human experience. In the course of our lives we face losses and live through emotional pain that is inseparable from grieving. Understanding the stages of grief and the psychology behind them can help us make sense of this process and work our way through it.
One of the best-known models of the stages of grief was put forward by the American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her work on death and dying. Her model sets out five stages of grief, which do not necessarily follow one another in a straight line: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
The first stage
The first stage of grief is shock and denial. When we are faced with a loss, our first response may be an overwhelming sense of shock and disbelief. This is a natural defense mechanism: it lets us step back from a painful reality for a while and softens the first blow.
At this stage we may feel a mixture of emotions — disbelief, numbness, emotional deadness. We may find it hard to take in what has happened and resist accepting the loss. Instead we may steer clear of painful thoughts and feelings, trying to keep our life normal and stable.
Shock and denial can show up physically, emotionally and psychologically. Physical symptoms may include heightened sensitivity to things around us, insomnia, loss of appetite or, on the contrary, eating more than usual. Emotionally we may feel fear, anxiety, inadequacy and uncertainty about the future.
Shock and denial matter in the early phase of grief, but with time they should give way to more active and adaptive ways of coping. It is worth remembering that everyone goes through this stage differently and at their own pace.
Gradually, as we begin to take in the loss and accept that it is real, shock and denial soften and open the way to the other stages of grief: anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The aim is to turn towards our emotions, learn to express them and seek support from the people close to us, from friends or from professional counsellors who can help us through this process.
The second stage
The second stage of grief is anger. As shock and denial start to give way to the reality of the loss, we may live through intense feelings of anger and rage. That anger can be aimed at all kinds of targets: at ourselves, at the people around us, at the person who has died, even at a higher power.
Anger in grief is a natural response to loss and can be expressed in many ways. We may feel it on every level — physical, emotional and psychological. We may be irritable, short-tempered, full of rage or even hatred towards ourselves, towards other people or towards the world.
Anger may grow out of a sense of injustice, out of realising that we have been deprived of something precious, or out of the feeling that we have lost control of the situation. It may be bound up with resentment towards the person who died for leaving us, or towards other people who, as we see it, did not offer enough support or help.
It is important to understand that anger in grief is not a bad or wrong feeling. It is a normal part of grieving, and living through it helps us release the emotional tension that has built up. What matters is learning to manage that anger so that it does no harm to us or to those around us.
Seeking support can be especially helpful at this stage. Talking to people you trust, taking part in a support group, or turning to a professional counsellor or therapist can help you recognise and express anger in a safe and constructive way.
The third stage
The third stage of grief is bargaining. As anger gradually subsides, we may try to find ways of getting back what we have lost or of changing the situation. This stage often takes the form of thoughts about what we could have done or changed to avoid the loss.
At this stage we may feel guilt and shame, asking ourselves questions such as "Could I have done something to prevent this?" or "What could I do to bring everything back?" We may start negotiating with fate, with God or even with ourselves, hoping for some kind of deal that will return what we have lost.
This is a natural psychological reaction: we are trying to cope with the loss and to find a way back to how things were. We may run through different options and possibilities, weighing up "what if" and "only if" scenarios. Yet it is important to understand that events and losses beyond our control rarely lend themselves to bargaining.
At this stage it is important to turn to our own emotions and to recognise that we do not always have control over events and outcomes. Little by little we come to see that bargaining only gives us false hope, and we become more and more ready to accept the reality of the loss and to move on to the next stages of grief.
Seeking support and talking to people you trust or to professionals can be helpful at this stage. They can help us realise and accept that some things lie beyond our control, and help us redirect our energy and attention towards healthy ways of coping.
Bargaining is a temporary phase of grieving, and step by step we move on to the next stage, which is depression. Everyone goes through these stages in their own way, and it is important to give yourself time.
The fourth stage
The fourth stage of grief is depression. When we realise that no bargain will bring back what we have lost, we may sink into a deep feeling of sadness and sorrow. Depression in grief can take many forms and vary in intensity from person to person.
At this stage we may feel helpless, hopeless and lose interest in life. We may feel empty, listless and drained of energy. We may be left with a strong sense that life has lost its meaning and its purpose.
Depression in grief is a normal response to loss. It is the period in which we begin to grasp the full measure of what has gone and to adjust to a new reality. We may miss the person who has died, feel a sense of emptiness and sense that nothing will ever be the same again.
It is important to tell grief apart from clinical depression. Grief is a natural response to loss, and with time it usually softens. If, however, the symptoms of depression become prolonged and intense and get in the way of everyday functioning, it is important to seek help from professionals in psychology or psychiatry.
During the stage of depression it is important to take care of yourself and to reach out for support. That may mean joining a support group, spending time with people close to you, being physically active, looking after your physical and emotional well-being. Understanding and compassion towards yourself in this period will help you move forward step by step and live through the depression that belongs to grieving.
Depression in grief is a natural part of the process, and as we live through and express our emotions we begin to look for a way out of this state. That opens the way to the final stage of grief — acceptance.
The fifth and final stage
The fifth and final stage is acceptance. As time passes we begin to accept the loss and to weave it into our life. We realise that life will go on, even if it has changed. Acceptance does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean the absence of grief; it means finding ways to adjust to a new reality.
Acceptance can be a gradual and very individual process. We begin to see that the loss has become an inseparable part of our experience and of who we are. This does not mean that we forget the person who died or stop missing them, but we find ways to live on, keeping their memory and our bond with them in our heart.
Acceptance may involve all sorts of strategies and steps. Some people turn to a professional counsellor or join a support group in order to share their feelings and find understanding among others who have been through similar losses. Others find support in their family and close friends, who help them cope with emotional stress.
Accepting a loss may also mean changing our roles and our identity. We rethink our life and our values and retune ourselves to a new reality. It may take time and patience to find new meaning and a new direction, but acceptance helps us move forward, opening up new possibilities and new experiences.
It is worth noting that every person may go through the stages of grief in their own order and with their own intensity. Some people may find themselves switching back and forth between stages, or staying in one stage for a long time. Grief is a unique process for each of us, and it is important to be patient and compassionate towards ourselves and towards those around us.
How long each stage lasts
How long each stage of grief lasts can vary widely, depending on the person and on the nature of the loss. There are no rigid time frames for any stage, and everyone moves through them at their own pace. Still, the general picture looks something like this:
- Shock and denial: this stage usually begins immediately after the news of the loss and can last from a few hours to a few days. In some cases the shock persists for several weeks.
- Anger: anger may appear straight after the shock or build up gradually. This stage can last from a few weeks to a few months.
- Bargaining: bargaining usually begins once the anger has subsided. This stage can last from a few weeks to a few months, although its length differs from person to person.
- Depression: depression may set in after the bargaining stage and last for several months or even years. Its depth and duration also vary from person to person.
- Acceptance: the stage of acceptance may arrive once the earlier stages of grief have been lived through and worked over. Its length varies, but on the whole it can take anywhere from several months to several years.
It is worth remembering that none of these stages is a rigid step, and the move from one to the next can be smooth and far from linear. Every person is unique, and grieving will look different for each of us.
