Together. Dating story no. 44

This is a story that starts almost absurdly but ends up perfectly normally. It began when a very respectable lady rang us. She went through the interview under the banner of "I just want to learn a bit more about myself", listened to everything we had to say about her, and then began circling in with leading questions: how do we find partners, how do we work out compatibility, and so on.

I was the "lucky" one who got to do the interview, so when an hour had flown by unnoticed, and then another quarter of an hour, and another, I realised there was only one thing I wanted: freedom and fresh air. Profilers are people too. The lady, meanwhile, went on pinning down ever more details in that unbeatable style of "of course, that is everything, thank you... Oh, but just one more tiny question". In the end I fled in disgrace, saying I could not go on, I had another interview waiting. Not only did the lady take no offence, she even promised to write again. An hour later she wrote and asked whether we would take on her son. She would tell us everything about him, we would determine his personality type and find him a nice girl, and she, his mother, would see to it that the whole thing looked natural, as though they had met by chance.

«Irina Yakovlevna, I can interview him in person, and if he wants it himself, we will start looking for a partner for him.» - I wrote in reply.

For a while Irina Yakovlevna insisted that her son should not be involved, warned that this way we would lose a wonderful client, that she had connections and could give us very good publicity... But in the end she agreed to our terms and even paid for her son’s interview in advance, asking only that we wait until she had talked him into it.

We waited a month and a half. Then a certain Daniil got in touch, introducing himself as the son of our client, who had already paid for his interview. Daniil was tall, slightly stooped and slightly dishevelled. Pale skin, clear eyes studying us intently and a sports hoodie already spoke of his personality type by themselves. During the interview he savoured my colleague’s questions with interest, but tried to answer honestly.

After he had found out his personality type, Irina Yakovlevna paid for an extra consultation with me and turned up on screen together with her son. She was outraged that her son had been "diagnosed" with a fear of closeness and relationships, when he was perfectly normal.

- «Very normal indeed», I confirmed, «my own father is exactly the same, and as you can see, he has both me and a son as well».

- «But what about the fear of closeness?» Irina Yakovlevna asked, with a faintly flickering hope in her voice.

- «It really is there, because Dania will forgive absolutely anything to the people close to him, and that is why he watches very carefully who is allowed to become close. What is more, though it is not quite proper, I privately call it a fear of closeness with idiots and bitches...»

Daniil could not help giggling. Irina Yakovlevna relaxed. She would not have wished an idiot or a bitch on him either. We spent the rest of the time discussing how the two of them get along, since the S-Theory applies to the problems of fathers and sons just as effectively as it does to relationships. Towards the end I told them that we already had a girl in mind for him, but that I would rather discuss this with Daniil without his mother.

- «Is that because I am "depressive"?» Irina Yakovlevna bristled, and immediately, giving me no chance to answer, went on, «well, never mind, I did not want to anyway! Our Dania is a grown man, and I am not a fool, I understand that he has a life of his own... Where he will not need me any more... Well, fine! I shall finally live for myself and enjoy it! Talk away, young people, talk away, and I am always nearby if anything happens, always ready to help...»

The right person for Daniil was Marina. She was a very lively, very active and incredibly energetic young woman with short hair — cut short so that it would not get in the way — a sharp gaze and a thirst for adventure. Marina often said of herself that for a mad goat no road is too long. At the very least, sitting still in one place was very hard for her. In one place, in one city, in one country... And she was perfectly aware that not every man could take her drive. Every time she gave herself her word to slow down, to behave more calmly, to settle down as befits a grown-up, serious woman, but every time the universe decided otherwise, something happened: a rush job, a fire, a hurricane, a love drama or her parents’ renovation, and Marina was off again to save the world.

Now she had one particular man to save. But neither ethics, nor professionalism, nor plain common sense allowed us to tell her so. She approved of Daniil, he approved of her, they arranged to meet and both even turned up. Our part was done; from there on it was up to fate and the compatibility of their characters.

Daniil expected nothing good from this meeting and had agreed to it only to get his mother off his back, so the fact that in the flesh Marina looked just as she did in her photographs surprised him. And then they started talking, and he did not notice himself being drawn in, caught up by the current and carried off somewhere — and the most interesting thing was that he did not even mind. By her very presence Marina seemed to "switch something on" in him, and there he was, eager to show off his knowledge and even to boast about his adventures. Now and then he tried to surface and work out what was actually going on, but somehow Marina kept showing him new facets of herself, fitting into no framework and no classification. It was mesmerising, like looking into a kaleidoscope that looks different every time, and beautiful every time. She was utterly reckless, incredibly energetic and, above all, very clever — that much he did make out. Clever, yet she did not flaunt her cleverness. And the conversation turned out to be surprisingly gripping. Clever remarks, references to scientists or philosophers and notes from her own experience alternated, paradoxically, with rather intimate confessions and endearingly crude jokes. Anyone else would not have managed it so endearingly, they would have looked foolish, but with Marina it somehow all came out just right.

Marina knew she was getting carried away. How many times had she promised herself to put on the brakes, but it seemed utterly impossible. There was so much to find out and so much to tell. Daniil was a sort of puzzle box. Unremarkable on the outside, perhaps, but the longer they talked, the more interesting he became to her. Layer by layer he opened up to her and, what is more, her drive did not seem to trouble him at all. She even had the sacrilegious feeling that he liked that drive. And so, without thinking too long, she decided that this relationship was going to happen.

And so it was now: Daniil and Marina shared not only their views on life and their values, but also seemed to complement each other wonderfully, like two cogwheels. And a match on every count like that sincerely astonished them both.

Next to Daniil, Marina seemed to become calmer, more ordered. The world around her somehow settled down and quietened, everything fell into place and Marina suddenly began to see where she actually needed to go next. Daniil, for his part, somehow became bolder, more reckless, more decisive, as if he had caught her trust in the world. Next to her everything seemed possible and every goal attainable. The most surprising thing was that, for all the changes, Daniil felt no danger next to her.

As a rule Marina would descend like a bolt from the blue, come up with an idea she considered brilliant, grab Daniil by the scruff of the neck without the slightest ceremony and drag him along, never once asking whether he wanted it. He asked himself that question too and noticed that he did not actually mind, and that amazed him. He no longer recognised himself, but he was quite happy with what was happening. Irina Yakovlevna did not recognise him either. Her son was her goal and her priority in life; for his sake she was ready to do the unthinkable, but some things were beyond her powers. She sincerely could not understand how it was that he did not race through life the way she did, why he did not undertake something, did not undertake it for himself, why he kept waiting for who knows what, and what exactly he was waiting for. Now it seemed to her that he had finally woken up, that he was finally ready to do something, to change something in his life. That is what a capable daughter-in-law does for you!

Daniil did not quite understand either how he had caught Marina’s endless activity. It just happened by itself. Marina would come running in with shining eyes, out of breath, her words barely keeping up with her thoughts, and produce yet another brilliant idea that absolutely had to be carried out now or never, because later would be too late and pointless anyway, but she would start it herself and all he had to do was stand nearby. And then suddenly, since he was standing nearby, why not hold something, and then turn something, and then something else, and suddenly Marina was ready to dash off to the next thing while Daniil found himself up to his ears in the job with no way out. For a long time he tried to track down the exact moment when he was drawn into yet another adventure, but he came to the conclusion that it happened without his involvement anyway. Marina simply decided that something would be a certain way and that he would play such and such a part in it, and resisting was pointless. So he learned to live with it — and not to let Marina switch to something else and run off in the middle of the job.

Sooner or later this was inevitable, because even the most restless people get tired sooner or later. Marina got tired too. She was tired of endlessly trying to draw Daniil into her life, of constantly nudging him and tugging at him so that he would keep up. She was tired of explaining to him why something had to be done and had to be done now, why time is money and, anyway, tempus fugit. She noticed that he let her run around like a squirrel in a wheel while he stood beside her and watched at his leisure as she did her best for him. He could at least have helped! But she was tired of asking for that too. And once again she wondered why she needed a man at all.

Phases like this happened to Marina sooner or later with every young man. Like many "decent girls", she sincerely believed that a man ought to be stronger and more dependable, that he ought to solve the problems and, above all, that the two of them ought to do everything together.

So even a strong and dependable man simply could not keep up with her, and Daniil, by his personality type, made no claim to it. He had his own strengths, and he really could compete with Marina in speed of mind or in sheer stubbornness, but clearly not in the qualities that public opinion ascribes to men. It is like demanding that Ivan the Fool behave like Shrek the ogre: first and foremost, it makes no sense. And it is worth adding that even if such an ideal existed, Marina, by that same personality type, would remain perfectly self-sufficient and independent.

And so Marina found herself in conflict. It was all made worse by the fact that she really was comfortable and at ease next to Daniil. She understood perfectly how much more responsible he had made her, how much more consistent and level-headed. Yet everything he had achieved was, it seemed, thanks to her. If only someone had helped her like that in her own young years! And, wondering why she was in a relationship and still alone, Marina set off on the hard road round the counsellors, including those from our club.

Strangely enough, the best counsellor of all turned out to be Irina Yakovlevna herself. She doted on Marina, taking her for a second child, and did her best not to impose. But she noticed at once how downcast her almost-daughter-in-law was. One word led to another and, over tea and a pie, Marina opened up.

- «Irina Yakovlevna, tell me, how do you motivate him?»

- «Me? In an awful and unethical way — by the fact that he wants me dead.»

- «Oh, Lord...»

- «I will not argue, you are much better at it. That is exactly what I wanted to ask you about — how.»

- «So motivating him is hopeless?!»

- «Depends what for...»

- «Well, a family is supposed to do everything together, is it not... If he took the thing on, why is it so hard to drag him into doing it together? It is all on me!»

- «And before that it was all on me. Forgive me, my dear, for bringing him up so badly. But from the point of view of life experience I will tell you this. You are happy with each other, are you not? So maybe it does not always have to be together? Being together does not mean doing everything together. You do not go to the toilet together, God forgive me.»

- «But then it is all on me alone!»

- «Well, maybe you simply need to take it all more easily? I love you very much, like a daughter, and believe me, I have lived my whole life with everything on me. Whether you split up or not, it will go on being on you, but at least this way there is a chance that you will do at least part of it together».

Irina Yakovlevna talked with her for a long time after that, and then Marina thought for a long time and almost calmed down. Then she wrote me a message asking whether I knew of other couples with these personality types.

- «I do — two couples, in fact.»

- «And are they doing well?»

- «Well in what sense?»

In the end we did have a call. Marina set out the substance of her grievances and complaints as clearly as she could, and asked again what was going on with those couples I knew.

- «One couple divorced. Theirs was exactly that living-apart marriage; the children were on her, and they saw their father at weekends. That did not suit her. Now she does not need anyone, the children are on her, and they see their father at weekends exactly as before».

- «So what has changed?»

- «Her status, I suppose. She is free to choose whoever she wants and she no longer has any obligations towards him. Only she does not choose».

- «And the second couple?»

- «They are together. In the moments when she is not dashing off on another journey. She races around the world and then always comes back to her husband. And then they come to visit us together, or go out somewhere with us.»

- «She is the one who travels?!» Marina was amazed.

- «Yes, that way of life suits her better, and it makes every reunion all the happier».

Marina thought about it even harder and promised to try this approach. Three months later she wrote that she had tried it and that nothing in their life had changed, except her own attitudes. She threw out both the illusion that some ethereal perfect family exists and the illusion that everything must be sacrificed for the family. She admitted herself that life had become much simpler that way.