The reasons for an affair on the side are very individual. Usually they share one common trigger: the unfaithful partner is looking for a kind of closeness or recognition that they believe they have not found in the relationship. Do not tell yourself: "that only happens to other couples". It can happen to any couple.
Signs of cheating
What clues point to a partner being unfaithful? I have summed up a few of them for you.
Changes in the way the phone is used
The most noticeable one is a change in how the smartphone is used. If your partner suddenly carries the phone everywhere, even into the shower or the toilet, spends ages on it and switches it off abruptly the moment they notice they have been "caught", it is worth paying attention — especially if there was no such behaviour before.
More thorough grooming and a new scent
Changes in personal hygiene can be telling too. Especially if they have suddenly become markedly more thorough: shaving more often, a shower before going out to see friends, a new perfume, more intensive body care.
If he comes home surrounded by a floral scent after working late, or if she smells distinctly of a man after an evening with her girlfriends, it is worth paying attention: physical closeness always leaves traces of scent. Take note as well if he supposedly played football with his friends but the kit does not smell of sweat and has not been "thrown" in the wash. Or if she suddenly takes sexy underwear with her on business trips.
Other signs may be:
- excessive styling, make-up,
- completely new behaviour — he or she never used to be like that,
- changes in sexual behaviour,
- more time out of the house — walks alone, or more outings alone and with friends, which never used to happen.
- frequently staying late at work.
Where does an affair begin?
According to a survey of 1,037 people aged between 16 and 65, women had had 2.1 affairs on average and men 3.6. But where does cheating actually begin?
Every second affair begins with kissing. Women in particular take this view. Ten per cent of them even believe that the mere thought of another woman amounts to an affair.
Men are more relaxed about it: 43% of them think that only the sexual act itself counts as cheating.
Why do men and women cheat?
Men and women cheat for different reasons. According to the marriage counsellor Gary Neuman, emotional and sexual dissatisfaction play an important part for women. They lack attention, and also recognition and appreciation from their partner. "He does not hear me — that too played a part in the motivation to cheat", says Neuman.
Men, on the other hand, are unfaithful because they are not having sex or are not sexually satisfied, explains the relationship expert Michael Nast. Men also often cite loneliness, boredom or fear of sexual failure as a reason.
The psychotherapist Hegmann believes: "From the point of view of modern attachment research, it is emotional distance above all that paves the way to infidelity". That is to say, the distance the partners feel in the relationship is one of the most common reasons for starting another affair. The point is that a lack of closeness leads to the wish to look for a bond outside the relationship. This rarely happens deliberately and all at once; mostly it happens through a slow drawing closer to a person who appears and becomes more and more close, more and more trustworthy", says the expert. If you talk over the shortcomings of your relationship and your own needs not with your partner but with a third person, that adds to the distance and estrangement between you, so it is better to talk everything over with your partner, or to go and see a counsellor together.
Why affairs go unnoticed
Despite all the possible clues, many affairs still go unnoticed. Why is that?
"It often works because affairs often happen in relationships where the necessary attention to the partner is missing", says Hegmann. "In most cases you can see clear changes — even in women, who are said to be more careful when it comes to cheating".
Another reason is that the partner suspects they are being cheated on, but does not want to admit it and unconsciously or consciously suppresses the warning signs out of fear of losing the other person.
What to do if you suspect something
Even if your partner suddenly shows changes, that is not always evidence of cheating. People change and develop. That need not affect the relationship and is not automatically a reason to worry.
A friend of mine spent a long time watching noticeable changes in her husband's behaviour. The phone calls that stopped the moment she came into the room, the suspicious text messages, the suspicious trips out of the house supposedly on business........ In short, she told me she was now seriously thinking of talking to him about a divorce. I asked her to wait a little and to take her mind off it with other things, since there was no direct evidence and the two of them have three children.
Some time later it was my friend's birthday. She usually celebrated it in a restaurant and the day before she would be in high spirits, happily busy organising the party. This time too a restaurant was booked and friends were invited, but somehow it all felt different.
When it was time for the presents, her husband blindfolded her, led her outside and...............
It turned out that all that time he had been looking for a present for her — a car, and everything that had looked to her like "signs of cheating" was nothing more than negotiations over buying the car.
