As the song goes, "the great public debate is on... the sacred debate..." About emotions, about feelings. Women often explain to me how important it is to learn to express emotions, to work on emotional intelligence and on emotionality in general. They probably mean something else, because emotionality is simple. Even a stormy infatuation can be produced in yourself and in those around you simply, quickly and by the book. And you can get out of an emotional attachment in two weeks on your own, and faster still with the help of a specialist.
In other words, you can FALL IN LOVE TO ORDER! What does that tell us? It tells us that
It tells us that for some people emotionality matters, especially for women. For others — for instance for the authors I am about to quote — emotionality is a deliberate working tool for life. But first things first. Let us start with how to produce that half-neurotic attachment which goes by the name of stormy infatuation.
The technology of flirting
One of the funniest NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) trainers, Timur Gagin, described it in one of his many trainings called "The Éminence Grise". NLP is that merry gathering of psychologists who work on the principle of "who cares why, as long as it works". That is, they watch people who succeed in influencing others, describe how they do it, and collect the tricks that work into a catalogue. This time round they described how to build up a background arousal of your own, broadcast it and project it onto the people around you in order to make contact with them easier. In other words, how to engage in socially acceptable flirting.
The basic principle, as with all emotions, is brilliant in its simplicity.
The technology of making someone fall in love differs from flirting by one extra step only.
- We produce sexual arousal in ourselves, running ahead. Beforehand, in front of a mirror, we check that we ourselves show the typical signs of sexual arousal. If the signs are not obvious, we rehearse until they are.
- In this aroused state we move on to affecting the other person. The most interesting part is that we do it unconsciously. Showing the arousal with our hands, our voice and our body helps. But if the arousal is really there, the outward behaviour comes of itself.
- We watch for the sexual arousal response in the other person. As soon as we notice it, we set an "anchor" and withdraw. The other person is left with a sense of lack and emptiness.
- We appear again and start a new round of arousal - anchoring - withdrawal. That is, we rock the other person back and forth. With every meeting it becomes easier for us to do.
- If the aim is to take this form of relationship further, that is, to make the person fall in love, we then bring in outward signs: moving the body closer, touch, the voice, whispering in the ear and everything else familiar from pick-up practice.
Where to press, what to pinch, what to lick and what to nibble in order to produce extraordinary sensations for both of you once you have come home together to look at a stamp collection — that is a separate subject, set out as simply and as practically as possible by Alex May (https://alex-may.ru/). The same simple instructions, with very fast results. BUT! Bringing in hands, body and an aroused voice can strengthen the effect so much that the other side may become uncomfortable and feel unsafe, and then we lose the very moment we were working towards. So let us not overdo it.
What we get, then, is that the person starts to feel a background arousal at the sight of us. If we are inclined to rock a person up to a barely controllable state of sexual arousal, including orgasmic experiences, it is better to do it at the beginning of the relationship, so that the person is anchored to us and develops an inexplicable attraction to us. Although it is an attraction to those experiences! But in the person's head it will be tied to us.
The other side should be slightly aroused at the sight of us and in our company, should feel more cheerful, lighter, more interested and more alive because of it, and should find it easier to deal with us.
A light background is usually created by light social flirting — between people of very different ages, between people of the same sex, and even when a person of the opposite sex does not see you as a sexual partner at all. The Soviet film "The Three Musketeers" is full of signs of social flirting between the musketeers themselves. At the level where it is not too pronounced, it is perfectly socially acceptable and improves relations between people.
The signs of arousal
How do you tell that it is working? If we are doing it right, people of the other sex show signs in response. The first and main thing in matters of influence is knowing what to watch for. Going by the response, we know whether to step it up or ease off. What do we usually see in a person who is erotically aroused?
- The brows come down towards the bridge of the nose and lift slightly, not into a peak but outwards.
- Tension appears around the eyes. The eyes open wider while the brows do not rise.
- The lips part to show the upper teeth. The teeth are usually closed (not clenched), the inside of the mouth is not visible. The lower lip may touch the upper teeth.
- You can sense more movement where the neck passes into the shoulder girdle, and in the muscles of the abdomen and back that hold the upper body and the chest.
If you work on people of your own sex, who supposedly do not see you as a sexual object, they either become slightly flustered, or embarrassed, or start flirting back a little. And that is fine too, since the aim is not to get someone into bed but to create an atmosphere of irrational mutual attraction in which agreements can be reached.
And what if these signs are absent? If a man or a woman shows sexual behaviour in a polished, habitual way but has no erotic background of their own, people feel uneasy. There is your answer.
Setting an "anchor"
Once we start to see responses, we "anchor". Just as with inducing a trance, every further round of influence, plus a replay of the anchor, gets us more and more response.
What is an anchor? An anchor is a "button" in the other person's mind, linked to us, that sets off the arousal. It is something unusual and quickly memorable in the way we look and behave. An anchor is something we can show, something that can be heard, or a combination of the two. Any gesture that is not typical of us, a movement of the brows — that is, something we do not usually do, or a way we do not usually speak. All of that can be an anchor.
You could take out a red handkerchief and start waving it, but that is going too far. Objects can be used, but then you have to carry the objects around with you. Without that object you may lose your "magic power", so it is better to choose as an anchor something that will always be with you in ordinary circumstances. A watch, for instance, is usually on us, and then the anchor is what we do with the watch, a visual cue. Or it could be an unusual ring whose glitter you can regulate and control by turning the stones, by its position on the finger, by turning its facets. For women it could be pendants and lockets that can be taken out and put back, or hair that covers the earrings and can be moved aside and back again. But then it becomes "I can't manage without my hat" — and why bother, when we have a whole body and a voice.
With men, undoing a button usually works well, and so does showing what does not normally come into view. Women have far more ways of baring something that is not normally bared, which is also an anchor. A toss of the hair that does not touch the man's face, for instance, sets off a whole fan of scents and associations. Approaching from where people do not normally approach: from behind, over the shoulder. Closing the distance so as to come within range of your scent can also be an anchor. Special words and a special sound that we do not use in ordinary speech. So we say them — "clouds, little white-maned horses" — and then drop those "clouds" into our speech when the occasion arises, to set off arousal in the other person. An anchor is a matter of imagination.
Provoking infatuation
Head-over-heels infatuation, in young men and in young women alike, is tied to stormy sexual experiences during the first contacts, because that is an anchor to the person themselves. Later it is experienced as "he/she is the only one for me", so clever, so wonderful, and so on. The mere thought of the person triggers a hormonal surge. That is why people get hooked on others so abruptly and are so easily led.
It can be done in the right setting even without sexual experience or orgasm, if we manage to bring the person to a pronounced erotic experience, anchor that state and then step aside. The person is left with a sense of lack, we appear again and start a new round of experience - anchoring - withdrawal - lack. This classic way of getting one person hooked on another in a neurotic fashion rests on neurotic sexual arousal. Which is exactly why it matters to notice the same processes in yourself.
How can you resist flirting?
How can you resist erotic influence once you see the signs of it? You can't! Resisting is impossible, because the body responds ahead of you. You can keep track of what is happening with your mind. You can try to break off contact and take time to think once the contact is broken. That is, to slow down and play dumb. But if a person produces an erotic lift in us, they produce it past our conscious control, as a response we only become aware of afterwards. Emotional influence that works at the unconscious level is usually the most powerful instrument there is, and at the same time quite simple to apply once you have practised. So relax and enjoy it!
The simplest thing is to break off contact. But it is not that simple. It feels good in there, and tearing yourself away does not. So if we are curious to see where the flirting will go, it is better to train as the one who starts the flirting — that way you can at least keep some control over an uncontrollable process.
This is part of emotional intelligence!
As far as I am concerned, the skill and the ability to fall in love and to make others fall in love is one of the skills of emotional intelligence. According to Wikipedia, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise your own emotions and manage them for practical ends. And here is the question: do those women who talk about how important it is to be able to feel emotions have emotional intelligence?
