One of the most interesting things about people is their notions of love. Everyone describes love in their own way, and then looks for whatever fits that particular description. Ira, a striking, sexy, provocative blonde in designer outfits, with real diamonds in her ears, groomed and forever dissatisfied with something, thought of love as a kind of emotional rollercoaster. From love to hatred was a flutter and a half of her very long lashes away; her latest iPhone trilled in every messenger and social network there is, and brevity was her worst enemy.
Background: The stories are published from the feedback we received and with our clients’ consent. The names have been deliberately changed. At the end you will find a counsellor’s commentary analysing the relationship.
Skip to the counsellor’s commentaryEver since I was a small child I have been astonished at how women like Irina manage not only to demand everything from the world at once and for free, but actually to get it. I used to envy them. Sometimes I still do. And how could one not? Our services were paid for by her ex, a successful businessman who had "not respected Irina enough". She told the story easily and in every detail; had I not known her personality type, it would have looked rehearsed. And what Irina wanted from us was the next successful businessman. What, you might ask, has psychology got to do with it?
I was not sure Irina would even notice the man who would make an ideal couple with her. We had a suitable person on our books: Seryozha. Seryozha was one of those people described as a "wardrobe" that nobody in the room notices anyway. Broad as a barn door across the shoulders, an attentive gaze, a somewhat childlike expression. He did not like noise and bustle, moved unhurriedly and had an unobtrusive knack of turning up where he was needed, of having everything ready and everything thought through. Sometimes it seems that the world rests on people like him. He earned steadily and well enough for a yearly holiday in Italy, for making his home comfortable and for the future. No oligarch, of course, just a steady, home-loving, very balanced and calm man... and a lonely one. Men go through a certain phase: ripening for a relationship. It comes to everyone at a different time, but you can always see it. It is when people realise that being alone in a big flat is, after all, not as good as it used to seem.
My task was to convince Irina that this was exactly what she needed. She was set on a completely different personality type, bracing herself for battle, for hysterics, shouting and outbursts of passion interspersed with smashed crockery. I saw something close to disappointment in her eyes as I described Sergey's personality type. In the end she agreed to give it a try, until such time as we found her a suitable oligarch.
My task was to convince Irina that this was exactly what she needed. She was set on a completely different personality type, bracing herself for battle, for hysterics, shouting and outbursts of passion interspersed with smashed crockery. I saw something close to disappointment in her eyes as I described Sergey's personality type. In the end she agreed to give it a try, until such time as we found her a suitable oligarch.
They met at Pascucci, the main gathering place of the rich and famous. Having looked Seryozha over fastidiously from head to foot, she allowed him to catch her raincoat in mid-air ("Hold this!") and hang it in the cloakroom. They went to their table, and there she was surprised for the first time by the warmth with which the manageress addressed him by his first name and patronymic. Soon, though, she forgot about it, studying the single men at the bar attentively. There were a couple of promising ones; Ira adjusted a lock of hair with satisfaction and remembered at the last moment that she was here with an escort. Sergey sat opposite her, unruffled, looking at her boldly. Catching his gaze, she shivered. He was looking at precisely her: not at the décolletage, not at the jewellery, not at all the tinsel, but as if through all of it, seeing the true Ira, the one she herself rarely honoured with attention in her string of romantic adventures. It was both frightening and exciting; behind that bold gaze lay strength and power. She had never had men like that. Still, this thought too she let out of her head with a clear heart and the lightness so characteristic of her. There were worthier candidates at the bar.
Sergey really was watching his new acquaintance closely. Usually he steered clear of women like her, since they were flighty, loud, chaotic and made far too many unnecessary movements. He was trying to understand why the counsellors thought them a suitable couple, mechanically noting every change of expression, every thought Irina was not particularly trying to hide. He was struck by her childlike spontaneity, her thirst for life, her hunger to try everything for herself. This drive carried you along without dragging you in by force. That freshness and the easy change of emotions, together with a kind of unfathomable fragility hidden behind the make-up and the costume jewellery, made a deep impression on him.
– Hold this! – Ira ordered, brooking no objection, thrust her handbag at him and darted away from the table.
With interest Sergey watched Irina, on her way to the ladies' room (she would have done better to take the handbag for credibility, since that is where the lipstick and the other ladies' bits and pieces live), stumble and, to keep her balance, clutch at the strong arm of a no-longer-young and very well-dressed man. Almost without overacting. Timid apologies, dazzling smiles, embarrassment without a trace of remorse and a whole series of other little mannerisms. And then she noticed his gaze, faltered, lost her nerve, apologised and disappeared hastily into the ladies' room.
On her return she tried in vain to read from his face whether she had already managed to spoil everything, but it is hard to read the emotions of a man who is himself absorbed in observing. He noted the full range of emotions on her face: how the wish to run away struggled with curiosity, and her confusion at being seen straight through struggled with her pleasure at the same thing. They carried on their conversation as if nothing had happened. Except that Irina was now unusually affectionate and obliging, giving Sergey more attention and no longer being distracted by the bar.
They arranged the second date there and then. Sergey did not like discos, but he agreed to go with her. In between the dates they hardly ever called each other, which made it all the more surprising how joyfully Ira flung her arms round his neck. Then she inspected his "standard" outfit for all occasions fastidiously, undid the top button in the most natural way in the world, turned up the collar and rolled up the sleeves. As though she had been doing it with him all her life. On reflection she ruffled his hair as well (there was not much to ruffle in that short crew cut of his). She herself glittered and shimmered, and not only with jewellery. Whatever she had rubbed into her skin, that shimmered too and threw back the light of the street lamps. Sergey seemed to have a kind of glittering doll in his arms, jingling with earrings and bracelets, luring him with the chime of little bells and a playful laugh.
At the disco there was everything that kept Sergey away from such places: crowds, Brownian motion, chaos and a great deal of noise. He tried to concentrate on Irina in order to find at least some footing, a kind of anchor in this boundless sea. This time Irina did not disappear; on the contrary, she showed herself off to him, trying to impress and amaze. And he was happy to be impressed, enjoying the new emotions, her warmth and her brightness.
And then something unexpected happened. Though it was entirely to be expected, given how Ira had dressed up and flirted right and left. A group of particularly hot-blooded and drunken young men began to pester her, taking absolutely no notice of the word "no". And Sergey had to step in.
Irina had been sceptical when I compared her then still future relationship with Sergey to the film "The Bodyguard". She was not black, she said, and there was no happy ending in it either. But now she felt every bit like Whitney Houston's character. Sergey rose out of nowhere and stood between her and the overheated lads like an unassailable mountain. She did not quite catch what he said to them, but the lads were plainly abashed and calmed down. Then he turned to her completely unruffled, let her hang on his arm and led her out into the fresh air. He seemed to be reading her thoughts, knowing exactly what she needed at that moment.
Ira was used to loud displays of strength. Her previous suitors had been striking, at times outrageous, loud and impossible to miss. Here there was strength too, but a different one, far greater and lying low, waiting for its hour and not fighting her in the least. It was quiet self-assurance, constant attention and care, an absence of any pushiness, and at the same time he always knew where she was and what she needed, and was always ready to give her anything she asked for. It was also the strength not to grant her every whim, but only those that really mattered. Compared with that strength, all her previous admirers looked like cheap posers. And it was with the recognition of that Strength in Sergey that Ira understood she wanted to spend as much time as possible beside precisely this man.
Their love story turned out far better than the one Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston showed us from the screen. Irina noticeably calmed down and steadied, without losing a drop of her emotionality and passion. Sergey came to look more sure of himself, and you could see with what delight he looked at Irina, seeing through all the tinsel and the show. At a voluntary feedback meeting Irina admitted that for the first time she had thought seriously about children.
Counsellor’s commentary
Irina is the hysteroid personality type. It matters to her to be the centre of attention, to bathe in it, and any means will do. People of this type are very emotional, striking and always noticeable; they demand that others give them that attention constantly, stay beside them and indulge their caprices.
Sergey's personality type is autistic. Such people are more often observers in life, who miss no detail, no small thing and no fact, even if they cannot always build a whole system out of them. Autistic people tend to "gestalt" their surroundings and those close to them, and it is precisely this that makes them excellent empaths, who see far more than other people do.
From the outside it may look as though the autistic man is a servant to the hysteroid woman. He will grant her every wish, every whim. She walks in front, he carries her fur coat behind her. He does her services and she allows it. At the same time a hysteroid woman easily makes any man run after her, even one she has no use for, even one she only knows through work. But the autistic man does not run; he knows where she has run off to, how far, and that after a while she will come back.
She senses this, and it attracts her: that he is there, that he is devoted and does not run after her. She suddenly begins to feel that she belongs. He holds her steady with his own steadiness.
There are many feelings in this relationship, many emotions. Thanks to her, at her side he feels more alive and more fashionable.
What comes next?
What comes next is your own experiment. Would you like to find out your personality type and to meet a partner who is compatible with you? Then welcome to the Dating Club, where counsellors do the matching!
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