There are people you must not tell the truth to. Not only do they fail to take it in, they immediately set about wasting an untold amount of their own precious time on trying to refute it. On the other hand, there is little point in lying to them either, since that only keeps them going. In short, talking them out of an obviously pointless occupation is usually an even more pointless occupation.
Background: The stories are published from the feedback we received and with our clients’ consent. The names have been deliberately changed. At the end you will find a counsellor’s commentary analysing the relationship.
Skip to the counsellor’s commentary– «What about him?» Alina looks with a predator's eye at the star of their channel: a well-built, ambitious forty-five-year-old journalist by the name of Boris Sokolsky. And he really is a fine catch: the most popular, the most promising, the most businesslike and the most sought-after member of staff. His articles sell out on the strength of his name alone, almost everyone listens to his podcasts, thousands recognise his style. Boris is always the centre of attention, always has an unconventional point of view and an original way of seeing things; he digs down to the heart of the matter, exposes, debunks, puts on a show and keeps people on edge.
– «Not a chance», I answer. Alina wrinkles her nose stubbornly.
– «And why is that?»
– «He is happily married.»
– «I know that sort of married man! The wife sits at home like a frump boiling porridge, and the husband cannot last a whole day at home.»
– «No hysteroid can last a whole day at home», I snort. The hysteroid, despite its "frightening" name, is one of the 12 perfectly healthy personality types, or characters, that my colleagues and I work with at our dating agency. Matching characters for compatibility is, in fact, how we pair people up. Alina knows this, but going by her own character she will not admit defeat this early for anything.
– «All the better that he cannot be held! That gives me more of a chance.»
And on that note we parted. Alina went on the open attack almost at once. Smiling dazzlingly, she walked up to Boris to introduce herself, twirling a lock of hair with calculation and pointedly shifting her décolleté. What followed were two parallel dialogues. The words were vulgar and threadbare, those innocent stock phrases you can hear in any melodrama or romantic comedy. Running alongside was the dialogue of the bodies, full of movement, emotion and sincerity, because bodies do not lie. I strongly recommend that you watch dialogues like these with the sound off now and then. Bodies always say more than words do.
– «Admire me the way I admire you», said Alina's body, «if I can do this just standing still, imagine what else I can do!»
– «I am open to your attention», answered Boris's body, «I enjoy it, give me more of it.»
– «I can give you a great deal, but submit, follow me, there is only me!»
– «Yes, you are magnificent and beautiful, I am flattered that you chose me, but I could do with some space...»
– «You are caught and you are mine. I will cut off your line of retreat!»
– «Young lady, admire me from a distance and we shall get on splendidly.»
– «Stop resisting, it is useless. I have caught you!»
– «Now that is going too far; I am leaving and it is not up for discussion!»
Boris's body abruptly broke off the contact and the dialogue, leaving Alina gasping for air. On the verbal level his excuse was no doubt beyond reproach. To be on the safe side he moved straight on to other colleagues, and Alina had to retreat. Her fury could be measured by the flaring of her nostrils. I handed her another cocktail.
Anyone who decided that Alina gave up at that point did not know Alina. The next morning she was waiting for Boris with coffee from a fashionable coffee shop, while her pendant was getting lost between her push-ups. Boris followed the pendant's path with a purely feline interest, but politely declined the coffee, saying that he had already had coffee at home.
– «Then perhaps I could take you out to lunch?»
– «Thank you, but I only eat what Irochka cooks.»
– «As strict as that?»
– «As tasty as that. She has spoiled me; nowhere else can I eat with such pleasure any more.»
– «Then where can I invite you?»
– «Perhaps nowhere at all?»
– «But I want to so much!»
– «Alas, we are not given everything we want.»
With those words Boris simply walked on, without checking whether Alina had finished the conversation. What mattered was that he had finished it for himself.
There were other unsuccessful attempts to chat him up. Every time Alina was slowed down and moved aside, whatever strategy she tried. Alina raged, swore and tried again, and again it was like water off a duck's back. Until one day her boss called her in and put her in charge of a live interview with Boris Sokolovsky and his wife Ira. Borya, he said, had specifically asked for her to be the one to do it. Alina's jaw dropped, but she agreed.
On the appointed day Boris turned up at our place together with his wife. The wife turned out to be a short, rather plump lady with what one might call hastily applied beauty — you could see that even she was unused to an outfit like that. At the same time it was striking how nervous and fidgety she was, and how, because of that, she kept straightening her husband's collar, his loud acid-bright tie or his hair, while Boris carefully held her by the elbow, gave her encouraging smiles and kept trying to support and reassure her. The couple seemed somehow illogical, but very harmonious. The interview soon began. Alina had a list of agreed questions, and in addition Boris said that she could ask whatever she liked — he and his wife had talked it over and decided that they would cope.
And cope they did. Irina finished Boris's sentences for him, knew where he would be and what he would need. Boris looked at Irina with delight and all but worshipped her. And in between they talked about themselves: how they had been introduced because Irina had liked his articles so much, how everyone had thought it would not last and had wondered when Boris would find someone else, how they had built their dream country house, how Ira had discovered that she liked cooking...
– «I really have been spoiled now!» Boris complained jokingly. «I can only eat what my wife cooks! Nothing else tastes good to me. I even drive home for lunch if I have not brought anything with me. On business trips I lose weight!»
– «And look how slim it has made you!» Ira giggled happily.
– «And what exactly is it that keeps you with your wife all these years? You are so different! Can it really be the cooking?» Alina smiled coldly.
– «I have wondered about that myself. It is no secret to anyone that I cannot survive without new impressions and new journeys. A following wind picks me uuup, carries me ooff into the far distance, and there is no telling how it will all end. And Ira is my home, my safe harbour, the place I can always come back to and rest. Far from every man realises how important it is to have somewhere to come back to!»
– «Well, there is always somewhere to come back to...»
– «Oh no! It is one thing to come back to an empty, cold, draughty den, and quite another when that den has been lovingly furnished, cleaned and warmed. And it smells of freshly made shchi as well. A den like that you want to come back to the moment you have left it!»
– «And what about you, Ira, how do you feel about your husband being off somewhere all the time while you are at home? Have you really never wanted adventures and impressions of your own?»
– «I am a home person, it is more than enough for me when Borya comes home and tells me everything. And how does he manage it? I probably could not stand his schedule at all! It is easier for me at home, where I know what is where and how, what to do and in what order, I know how everything is arranged there. As for emotions and passions... They are not my thing, they are all his, all his!!!» Ira laughed.
After the interview Alina came to me looking thoughtful. She was now a star herself, since she had interviewed a star and had risen to the occasion. Everyone was praising her tricky questions and her fresh approach. She, however, had finally understood that she would never have Boris. He was on the other side of the barricade. He had chosen calm and peace. "Better born lucky than beautiful, damn it..." Alina muttered. But this was no longer a warlike muttering. After the interview, letting go had become incredibly easy and doable. It no longer felt to her like weakness. On the contrary, it was her strength.
– «I could never become that kind of stay-at-home hen...» she snorted.
– «Heaven forbid, please stay restless and all-powerful» I laughed.
– «And what man is going to put up with me...»
– «Just come to us. Who knows, we may find one.»
Counsellor’s commentary
Boris represents the hysteroid personality type. His foundation is an open and explicit bid for attention, by any means available. These are bright, noticeable people, often fond of shock effects, of striking details in their clothes and of scandals, and it is quite impossible to keep them within any given limits. Boris, as a well-known and scandalous journalist, satisfies much of his need for public attention through his work, which allows him to react to everything more calmly. At home he is looked after by his wife, who, given her own personality type, will do everything in her power to see that her husband is well groomed and well fed and that everything is correct.
Ira is the compulsive personality type. People like this rely in everything on existing traditions, rules, customs and regulations. If Boris cannot be kept within limits, Irina, on the contrary, would feel lost without limits and rules, suspended in mid-air, with nothing to take hold of. Like most passive personality types, Irina has no need to realise herself in society, to build a career or to be in the public eye. She genuinely enjoys her own world, her habits, her home and her family, because that too is correct — and being correct matters a great deal to her.
In her relationship with Boris she is the faithful one and he is the flighty one. She is the safe harbour you can always come back to. He does not necessarily chase women, he simply races about somewhere. Then he comes home, and she washes him and feeds him. He constantly brings novelty into her life, a breath of fresh air, and creates a wealth of experiences for her.
Alina is the psychopathic personality type. It matters to her to be in control of the people around her and of the whole world, to enjoy all its manifestations, to try everything and to get what she wants as quickly as possible.
Psychopathic people see the goal and do not see the obstacles, thanks to which they can achieve a great deal. She is drawn to Boris's brightness, his spontaneity. At the same time she can be excessively dominant and given to taking charge, which in Boris's case provokes rejection.
