Ivan and Nina registered with us at roughly the same time, and at their very first interview both announced how much they disliked Charlotte York. The thing is, part of our own test for determining temperament and personality type is choosing characters from well-known TV series, and Charlotte was one of them.
Background: The stories are published from the feedback we received and with our clients’ consent. The names have been deliberately changed. At the end you will find a counsellor’s commentary analysing the relationship.
Skip to the counsellor’s commentary“They float about being all ethereal, holding forth about beauty and kindness, and all the while the only thing on their minds is how much the man earns! Consumerism, that's what it is!” Ivan fumed. “With them the man owes them everything, and they are such little princesses!”
“It's a con and a scam! They play the poor weak thing and manipulate, and the moment anything happens they are little angels again. What do men see in them?” Nina raged. “They have addled the brains of every decent man out there, and all that is left for us is what nobody wanted!”
And as luck would have it, the two of them were a match not only in their dislike of Charlotte but in their personality types. Self-assured, decisive, dominant, strong-willed Nina and sensual, gentle, home-loving Ivan were bound to complement each other beautifully. I described to Ivan as best I could the advantages of Nina's personality type as the complete opposite of the little princesses, and to Nina the advantages of Ivan as someone who would complement her, calm her down and not try to out-macho her — and with a clear conscience I gave them each other's contact details. All that was left was to wait for their feedback.
Wasting no time, Nina took the initiative and invited Ivan on a first date… to a shooting range. To say that Ivan was surprised would be to say nothing at all, but keen to prove himself “a real man”, he bravely agreed. There is, of course, no faking being a good shot, so Ivan wisely admitted to Nina that he had not fired anything since he was about seven, and that had been a catapult. Nina appreciated the honesty, handed him a pistol and briefly explained how to aim. The instructions were given in such a tone that Ivan followed them at the first attempt, and then gazed at Nina in delight, feeling like a proper cowboy out of a western. Nina, admittedly, looked more like the madam of an entire brothel than one of the modest ethereal girls the cowboys usually visited — but that thought excited Ivan even more. He had never dared dream of such heights and such achievements. This was certainly no little princess; the counsellors had not been lying.
Nina had mixed feelings. On the one hand she wanted to take her Vanya under her wing and shield him from every misfortune in the world; on the other hand, he was a man! Then again, the delight and adoration with which this man looked at her made up for a good many doubts. Meanwhile the man had grown thoroughly bold, and, waving the barrel about in front of Nina, invited her to dine with him, if she had no objection. Nina carefully steered the barrel to one side and happily agreed, naming the day, the time and the restaurant almost on autopilot. She had no time to wonder whether she was pushing too hard — Ivan cheerfully, and it seemed even with some relief, accepted her “invitation”.
Their relationship developed swiftly and passionately. Ivan was thrilled that Nina always knew what she wanted; he worshipped her strength and decisiveness, her view of the world and her ability to put a thought briefly and precisely. She was nothing like the dolled-up madams who had caught his eye before. Those had been unstable and capricious somehow, demanding of Ivan firm decisions, lightning action and financial support. Ivan had been on edge, run himself ragged, felt unsure of himself and put on some sort of cross between Rambo and Donald Trump. With Nina none of that was necessary; he felt peacefully protected, and even allowed himself to show her his “weaknesses”: he cooked her dinner and showed her his holy of holies — his winter garden.
Nina, too, was gradually beginning to trust him, wondering to herself why she had never thought before of finding herself such a calm, home-loving kitten. Frankly, if it had not been for these counsellors she would still be looking for someone strong and pushy, and then they would have locked horns over who got to choose what was on television, where to go on holiday, who was tougher and so on. With Ivan there was nothing to lock horns about; you wanted to stroke his head, wrap yourself up with him in a fluffy blanket and watch the fire dance. Of course, it did bother her a little that he was too quiet, that he had no particular ambitions, and that he sometimes looked at her the way a calf looks at its mother. On the other hand, he could spend hours mending things around the house, worked wonders in the kitchen, rehung all the curtain rails, painted the ceilings… And he went on watching in admiration as she scaled one new career height after another.
And all the while he happily joined her in her “mad” pastimes, such as climbing and shooting. Following her instructions, he got rather good results, and it was as if he had been swapped for someone else: out of the kitten hatched a dragon shimmering in every colour of the rainbow — proud and strong, the very “real man” Nina had been looking for so long and so unsuccessfully, the one with whom she could for a while feel calm and secure. And the sex after shooting practice…
The moment Nina worked out how easily she could influence which version of Ivan she got, she began making full use of it. It is devilishly convenient to have beside you a person who does what is asked of him so readily. She started devising all sorts of adrenaline-fuelled activities on the eve of important business meetings, big events and business dinners, rewarding him along the way with passionate sex and her own admiration. And lo and behold, Ivan started to grow professionally too, reaching new heights where nobody had expected it of him. Nina was in bliss: she had a genuine domestic lion she could show off in public and who at the same time did what she wanted him to do. She would hardly have admitted this to anyone, of course, but it came through in every word and every intonation as she praised Ivan and his successes, like a proud mother, at their feedback interview about how the match had worked out.
I, meanwhile, wanted to swear. That is the peculiarity of their combination of characters: she nurtures him, and he starts fighting her for the top spot. For a while this can be very passionate and even strengthen the relationship a great deal, but sooner or later that dragon fledges and wants more freedom. I remembered the embittered Ivan of the first interview, but the man in front of me now was someone else entirely. I was looking at a very self-assured man, at ease, with everything under control, certain that the world lay at his feet. The only question was whether he understood how much of that was his own doing and how much of it belonged to Nina, all but purring with happiness at his side.
You cannot ask such questions directly. It is a delicate subject: every one of us forges our own happiness, even if we do not know when to stop. And in delicate situations like this a great deal depends on each person's inner principles. Personality type is very far from always able to affect them.
“I am glad that you have such a wonderful effect on each other,” I said. “I hope it stays that way…”
“It could not be otherwise,” smiled Ivan, kissing Nina tenderly on the temple. “You see, Alisa, every time I think about cheating, or about how good the bachelor life is, I remember that my fiancée is one of the best shots in this city. And in the country, for that matter.”
Counsellor’s commentary
Nina represents the psychopathic personality type. These are very active, hard-driving people who assert their right to be by every means available. They enjoy life in all its manifestations, and at the same time everything they do shows a drive to control and to hold power. They set rather high demands for themselves, and exactly the same demands for everyone around them.
Ivan's personality type is epileptoid. People of this type typically fear direct attention to their person while subconsciously longing for it. They are very sensual and flexible people, often looking at the world emotionally, through rose-tinted glasses. Women of this type are femininity personified, but men in our culture often shy away from that femininity in themselves and try to play the real macho instead.
Of the relationship between a psychopathic woman and an epileptoid man you could say that they came together over a dislike of women. Both of them reject their own femininity, and they find kindred spirits in each other. Such relationships are a full realisation of role inversion (where the woman plays the leading part in the family, earns more and makes the decisions). She does not have to be embarrassed by her “masculine” traits, and he accepts his feminine ones. He feels protected in this relationship, and she does protect him. This answers the need of epileptoid people for a partner who takes charge, and the need of psychopathic people for power.
Nina will go on “nurturing” Ivan, “gifting” him ambitions and making sure he develops — that is exactly how psychopathic people express love, through deeds rather than words. Ivan will go on smoothing Nina's rough edges and creating a comfortable home for her, enjoying her care and attention. Her ability to focus on him and devote herself to him matches his understanding of love and closeness.
That is the story that came out of our Dating Club. Would you like to find out your own personality type and meet the partner who suits you? Go on, fill in the form and we will call you back with the details:
