Inna was one of those clients who take over the initiative straight away, barely noticing that they have taken it over. People like her have "I’m alive!!!" written on their forehead in huge red letters framed with flashing coloured bulbs — and for anyone slow on the uptake or short-sighted, Inna will always demonstrate her enjoyment of life in practice. Not because she has to, but because she simply cannot do otherwise.
Background: The stories are published from the feedback we received and with our clients’ consent. The names have been deliberately changed. At the end you will find a counsellor’s commentary analysing the relationship.
Skip to the counsellor’s commentaryA striking blonde, not the least bit embarrassed by proportions slightly fuller than the fashion industry sells us, with piercingly blue eyes (her father’s) and clothes that are always stylish and always make a statement. Her speech is a touch rough and deliberately provocative — which comes not only from her personality type but also from the habit of surviving in Moscow; she has an attentive, appraising gaze and an enviable knack of always getting her way, a knack she has never even paid attention to — well, is there any other way? She came to us looking for a "strong man".
It has to be said that the myth of the necessarily strong man is astonishingly hard to kill, and I regularly hear women complain that their previous partners were too weak or too passive. Men do not complain; more often they simply wear themselves out waging war on themselves in order to measure up.
I made several attempts to describe to Inna the advantages of a gentle partner — one who would balance her sharp edges, complement her and even enrich her strong sides — but her mind did not change, and I was in danger of turning into the last obstacle on the way to her family happiness, to be crushed without mercy. In anger, however skilfully hidden, this Nordic beauty reminded me most of all of the Valkyrie Brunhild, who had sworn to marry only the man who could defeat her. What I urgently needed was a dragon-slaying Siegfried… And I had one. Only, by personality type, he did not suit her quite as perfectly as our advertising promised. Having quickly sketched out to a suddenly much calmer Inna what to expect from dealing with another active personality type — the need to negotiate and to compromise — I gave her Vitalik’s contact details.
Vitalik lived up to his name entirely: a live wire, a fountain of ideas, a human current able to sweep crowds along with him. He managed to be everywhere at once, to set everything in motion, to hand out instructions to everybody and to slip away before anyone came to their senses. He thought on a truly grand, Napoleonic scale, although at times he saw no need to make out individual trees in the wood. That scale, that sweep and that disregard for detail showed in his clothes, in his speech and in the way he moved.
Inna and Vitalik arranged to meet that same Friday. As befits any strong, clever and independent woman, Inna knew perfectly well how one is supposed to pretend to be weak. But you cannot hide your nature: she was used to taking by storm whatever she considered hers by right, and could not imagine doing it any other way. Vitalik was doomed, and Inna was celebrating her victory in advance. And yet something at the restaurant went wrong. It took her quite a while to notice the moment when feigned modesty gave way to listening to Vitalik with a childlike open mouth and wide-open eyes.
Inna and Vitalik arranged to meet that same Friday. As befits any strong, clever and independent woman, Inna knew perfectly well how one is supposed to pretend to be weak. But you cannot hide your nature: she was used to taking by storm whatever she considered hers by right, and could not imagine doing it any other way. Vitalik was doomed, and Inna was celebrating her victory in advance. And yet something at the restaurant went wrong. It took her quite a while to notice the moment when feigned modesty gave way to listening to Vitalik with a childlike open mouth and wide-open eyes.
"Got right into my head, the rascal!" she thought, "never mind, I’ve broken in tougher ones than him!"
She tried to take back the initiative and talk about herself. For a while Vitalik listened in delight, and then flatly ordered her to have this dish and that one. Such nerve made Inna forget what she had been talking about a second earlier.
The third attempt to take charge was more aggressive still. By now Inna no longer knew whether she really wanted to defeat him, or at least to test how strong he was. On the one hand, she had demanded a strong man herself; on the other, only now did she realise how unused she had become to anyone being genuinely stronger than her. Every attempt of hers Vitalik "muffled" without, it seemed, the slightest effort. He was clever, witty, open, sincere and remarkably sensitive. She had the feeling that she was rolling out in a tank against infantry, and that the infantry, without firing a single shot, was peeling the armour off her plate by plate with bare hands — smiling enchantingly all the while and showering her with compliments about how rarely you meet such an open and sincere woman. And in the end Inna surrendered.
- I live just round the corner, on Tverskaya. Let’s go!
The second date was Vitalik’s doing. Inna suddenly found herself at some completely crazy party with tambourines and tom-toms, African war paint and a crowd of black dancers, topless in straw skirts.
- What on earth is this?! she began indignantly.
- Easy, I wanted to surprise you! Vitalik shrugged. - You look beautiful when you’re surprised.
Little by little, Inna got out of the habit of being surprised. She genuinely enjoyed this strange relationship and the outlandish treasures of Moscow she had never even suspected existed. Vitalik seemed to know utterly impossible people and places, and he set such a pace that Inna never had time to catch her breath… and then Vitalik suddenly vanished. Completely. He would not even pick up the phone.
Inna was beside herself. She turned the whole city upside down: she rang every detective, every gangster and every girlfriend she knew, pulled every string and every contact, combed the whole of Moscow… She kept calling us and demanding "those damned passive men who don’t show off" with such fury that I half seriously began to fear for their well-being. Luckily, Vitalik turned up… in St Petersburg. When the enraged Valkyrie burst into his hotel room, all but taking the door off its hinges, only the sincere joy in his eyes saved him from certain slaughter. Having honestly heard out her furious shouting and swearing, Vitalik quietly put his arms round her and, just as honestly, admitted:
- I got scared. That it was all going to end, that from now on it would be serious and different. But I went away and realised that I really can’t do without you!
And for some reason Inna believed him.
From WikipediaA Valkyrie ("chooser of the slain") in Norse mythology is the daughter of a famous warrior or of a king, who soars on a winged horse above the battlefield and decides which of the fallen warriors will enter the heavenly hall, Valhalla.
Brunhild ("mail armour + battle") is a warrior heroine of Germanic and Norse mythology and epic, one of the main figures of the old Germanic cycle of poems about the Nibelungs. Brunhild swore that she would marry only the man who could strike her down. That was Siegfried, who took her girdle as proof of his victory.
Counsellor’s commentary
Inna’s personality type is psychopathic. These are people who assert their right to be by every means available. They enjoy life in all its manifestations, and at the same time everything they do shows a drive to control and to hold power. They set rather high demands for themselves, and exactly the same demands for everyone around them.
Vitaly is a vivid representative of the frustrating personality type. What matters to him is movement and the churn of life; he launches project after project and often cannot stop at what he has already achieved. The trouble with people like Vitaly is an unwillingness to work through the small print and a refusal to take responsibility for the negative results of their projects. Their main defence is avoidance: if anything goes wrong, they disappear — which is exactly what he did in this story.
The two personality types are compatible, and both are very energetic. Vitaly will like Inna’s directness and sincerity, her ability to see a situation as it is, work through every detail and avoid creating the extra complications he himself regularly gets lost in. Inna, for her part, is ready to recognise in Vitaly a strong and independent man, one she cannot suppress — even if that effect is achieved mainly through his agility and skill at manoeuvring. Inna lacks those skills, she admires them in him, and here Vitaly already complements her. The current he creates lets her feel life more fully and richly, while her drive lets him systematise his undertakings and bring them to perfection.
This is a relationship between equals. To build it successfully they need to negotiate with each other on every question, deciding who gives way today and how to find a compromise. They will have to take turns at "surrendering" and being led. If only one side ever gives in, the relationship will turn into a long conflict that grows and grows.
How can Inna and Vitaly avoid such a "war of attrition"? It is simple: for a relationship not only to start well but to stay rich and, just as importantly, easy (which is what our couple lack), it is enough to turn to theCompatibility Dating Club. There are simple tricks to it.
