Phlegmatic woman and melancholic man
Compatibility
This is a relationship between two country-cottage people — peace and quiet, sitting in a little house out in nature, far from society. Society does not matter that much to them; they are happy with each other in the middle of nowhere. And all would be well, except that from time to time the phlegmatic woman wants the melancholic man to be a proper ‘bloke’: to go out and kill a mammoth, change the world, or bang his fist on the table. And he has no need of any of that — so the provocations begin.
The melancholic man is an extravert in a passive position, with a dominant feminine principle, an anima. What matters to him is agreement, peace and taking part in society, but certainly not achievement. The phlegmatic woman is an introvert, and here she complements her partner. He needs feedback from the world around him, and an introvert will give him that. But she is also a woman who is likewise in a passive position towards society. Career and social recognition do not matter much to her; she has her own personal interests, hobbies and pastimes, and what suits her best is sitting and embroidering, drawing or writing stories.
And yet somebody has to go out into society, protect what the couple own, fend off an attack. And that is where the man has to become ‘not himself’, to go against his own nature. That is where the potential for conflict in this couple lies
Who is the PHLEGMATIC woman?
- Introvert
- Passive life position
- Knows everything about themselves, explores the world
Who is the MELANCHOLIC man?
- Extravert
- Passive life position
- Needs feedback in order to understand themselves
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What are the prospects?
Marital happiness: not bad
In marriage everything here is wonderful right up until... see below. She is an introvert; she knows everything about herself, about the family, about the world and about where the couple are heading. He is an extravert — emotional, caring. He needs both attention and a response from outside in order to understand himself. And she gives him that understanding and that response.
They are very happy living the two of them in a little house by the forest. They can quite happily shut themselves up in the flat and spend the time with each other. Domestic comfort, peace and agreement in the family mean a great deal to them, and that is what unites them.
Sexual compatibility: good
Tantric sex — that is the thing for a couple made up of a phlegmatic woman and a melancholic man. Romance is encouraged to the full; sex, not so much. The anima, the feminine principle, is strongly expressed in a melancholic, and that gives him the ability to understand a woman. And it shows in slow, sensual sex.
On the other hand, with two homebodies — well, somebody has to take the initiative, ‘be the bloke’, add a bit of pepper and aggression? And since both the man and the woman are more anima than anything else, it will most likely fall to the man. Which is what puts a strain on things from time to time.
Growth and prosperity: poor
Can two country-cottage people become millionaires? They probably do not need to: they will happily build their little house with their own hands. Slowly, but soundly.
On the other hand, buying an expensive car takes material resources, and those have to be gathered out in society. Which means going out there from time to time, against your own inclination.
So the material growth of a couple made up of a phlegmatic woman and a melancholic man is more a matter of slow accumulation. As for personal growth, the combination of two animas slows development down rather than speeding it up. It is not for nothing that people say the man is responsible for development and the woman for stability. This is exactly where you can get very stably stuck.
For children — good!
For young children this couple is ideal: mum is at home and dad devotes plenty of time to the offspring. Both the phlegmatic woman and the melancholic man are geared towards raising children and towards stability. That creates the best conditions for children.
Not quite you? Pick a different temperament!
Relationships by personality type: an overview
Phlegmatic women come in 3 personality types:
- In the antisocial sphere — the autistic personality type
- In the social sphere — the compulsive type, and
- In the extra-social sphere — the paranoid personality type
Melancholic men likewise come in three types:
- In the antisocial sphere — the epileptoid personality type
- In the social sphere — the depressive type, and
- In the extra-social sphere — the frustration personality type
Three scenarios for this couple
Depending on the combination of these three personality types, the relationship between a melancholic man and a phlegmatic woman is either possible or held together by a deep neurosis. It will never be perfect, and it will take a great deal of effort and work. On a scale from 5 (perfect) to 1 (a complete fail) they can build:
2Analysis and 3 stories
‘So-so’ relationships
These relationships are good in seclusion and do not survive contact with society. They can be built by a paranoid woman and a frustration-type man, a compulsive woman and a depressive man, an autistic woman and an epileptoid man
3Analysis and 5 stories
Utopian relationships
Unions like this are almost never seen, and when they do come about, they develop with difficulty. The problem here is that long spells of stagnation give way to revolutions. If a meeting like this does turn into a relationship, it is between a paranoid woman and a depressive man, a compulsive woman and an epileptoid man, an autistic woman and a frustration-type man
1Read the analysis
‘This is hell!’ relationships
Relationships between a paranoid woman and an epileptoid man, a compulsive woman and a frustration-type man, an autistic woman and a depressive man do not happen in reality. Here the man and the woman are each other’s ‘Shadow’: they find each other fascinating and, at the same time, unbearably hard to be around. Because it is unbearable, we have never met relationships like these in real life.
Below are real stories of relationships between personality types like these. We have added examples from films and, of course, analysed them through the commentary of our counsellors.
‘So-so’ relationships
The bond between a phlegmatic woman and a melancholic man is often utopian. A relationship is possible if both of them are balanced. She will look at him, think that he strongly reminds her of somebody, and that will be the end of it. Or each of them may live through the story of their relationship romantically somewhere inside themselves, each in their own version.
Melancholic men have a streak of misogyny, because the feminine part is strongly expressed in them. Denying their own feminine nature, they tend to transfer their feelings onto women. The more acute the personality type, the more hatred there is. He feels that she will not respond. He is afraid to show himself, because he does not know how she will react. That is why it is hard for them even to meet.
As a rule, they are introduced: relatives brought them together, mum suggested it. Long, drawn-out romances; it takes a long time to get to living together. It can be a very long time before they first have sex: walks, meetings.
They cannot make sense of the relationship. For a long time they see each other simply as good people. In fact both are waiting for the other to make the first move. Sooner or later one of them cannot hold out any longer, and they either go their separate ways or take a step towards each other.
Utopian relationships
He is romantic, she is respectable. All the classic rules of courtship are observed, though he is a little wooden about it and courts her by the book. On the one hand, he hates women. On the other, he admires them. He brings her into balance and makes her more feminine.
She is so respectable that she cannot say no when she is courted properly. Along the way it turns out to be interesting as well. She lets him put her on a pedestal. From time to time she gets cold up there. Then he casts her down from the pedestal, punishes her and puts her back.
And at a certain point she notices that she has been swept up in the current he lives by. In that current she has already got married and given birth to somebody. On the one hand he will irritate her; on the other, this is exactly what she needs, and they can find a common language. If he lets her be alone sometimes and does not take her with him everywhere, this couple can get on perfectly well. What he lacks is her pedantry, her eye for detail. He gives her the chance to fulfil herself, and he interests her with his Child dynamic, with his beauty
‘This is hell!’ relationships
A relationship in which two Shadows come together is a striving for what I do not have. The qualities that are least available to me are the ones that attract me most. This is the relationship between a paranoid woman and an epileptoid man, a compulsive woman and a frustration-type man, an autistic woman and a depressive man.
A couple with your own Shadow is what the paranoid-schizoid types keep trying to form with the hysteroid-epileptoid ones. They are each other's Shadow. No one else feels an erotic attraction to their own Shadow — only these types do. A relationship with your own Shadow keeps pushing the partners into the Shadow dynamic. Romances like this never last.
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