Phlegmatic man and melancholic woman
Compatibility
This is a relationship between two ‘country cottage people’ — peace and quiet, the pair of them sitting in a little house out in nature, far from society. Society does not matter much to them; they are perfectly happy with each other in the middle of nowhere. And all would be well, except that from time to time the melancholic woman wants the phlegmatic man to be a real ‘man's man’: to go out and kill a mammoth, change the world, or bang his fist on the table. He has no need for any of that — and so the provocations begin.
The melancholic woman is an extravert in a passive, feminine life position. What matters to her is agreement, peace and taking part in society — certainly not achievement. The phlegmatic man is an introvert, and here he complements his partner. She needs feedback from the world around her, and an introvert will give her exactly that. But he is also a man who is likewise in a passive position towards society. Career and social recognition do not matter much to him; he has his own personal interests, hobbies and pursuits, and he is happiest sitting in his own ‘workshop’.
And yet somebody has to go out into society, protect the couple's property, fend off an attack. And here the man has to become ‘not himself’, to go against his own nature. That is exactly where the potential for conflict in this couple lies
Who is the MELANCHOLIC woman?
- Extravert
- Passive life position
- Needs feedback in order to understand themselves
Who is the PHLEGMATIC man?
- Introvert
- Passive life position
- Knows everything about themselves, explores the world
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What are the prospects?
Marital happiness: not bad
In marriage everything here is wonderful right up until… see below. He is an introvert who knows everything about himself, about the family, about the world and about where the couple is heading. She is an extravert — feminine, emotional, needing both attention and a response from outside in order to understand herself. And he gives her that understanding and that response.
The two of them are very happy living together in a little house by the woods. They are perfectly capable of shutting themselves up in a flat and spending all their time with each other. Domestic comfort, peace and harmony at home mean a great deal to them, and that is what holds them together.
Sexual compatibility: good
Tantric sex is just the thing for a couple made up of a phlegmatic man and a melancholic woman. Romance is encouraged to the full; sex, not so much. The ‘anima’, the feminine principle, is strongly expressed in the phlegmatic, and this gives him the ability to understand a woman. It shows in slow, sensual sex.
On the other hand — two homebodies, and yet somebody has to take the initiative, ‘be the man’, add a little pepper and aggression, don't they? Since both the man and the woman are rather more ‘anima’, it will most likely fall to the man. Which is precisely what puts a strain on things from time to time.
Growth and prosperity: poor
Can two country cottage people become millionaires? They probably have no need to: they will build their little house perfectly well with their own hands. Slowly, but soundly.
On the other hand, buying an expensive car takes material resources, and those have to be gathered out in society. Which means going out there from time to time, against your own inclination.
So the material growth of a couple made up of a phlegmatic man and a melancholic woman tends to be a matter of saving up. As for personal growth, here too the combination of two ‘animas’ slows development down rather than speeding it up. There is a reason people say that the man is responsible for development and the woman for stability. This is exactly where you can get very stably stuck.
For children — good!
For young children this couple is ideal: mum is at home and dad gives plenty of time to the offspring. Both the phlegmatic man and the melancholic woman are oriented towards having children and towards stability. That creates the best possible conditions for children.
Not quite you? Pick a different temperament!
Relationships by personality type: an overview
Melancholic women come in 3 personality types:
- In the antisocial sphere — the epileptoid personality type
- In the social sphere — the depressive type, and
- In the extra-social sphere — the frustration personality type
Phlegmatic men likewise come in three types:
- In the antisocial sphere — the autistic personality type
- In the social sphere — the compulsive type, and
- In the extra-social sphere — the paranoid personality type
Three scenarios for this couple
Depending on the combination of these three personality types, a relationship between a melancholic woman and a phlegmatic man is either workable or held together by a deep neurosis. It will never be perfect, and it will take a great deal of effort and work. On a scale from 5 (perfect) to 1 (a complete fail), they can build:
3Analysis and 3 stories
‘So-so’ relationships, or ‘The Irony of Fate’
These relationships are good in seclusion and do not survive contact with society. They can be built by an epileptoid woman and an autistic man, a depressive woman and a compulsive man, a frustration-type woman and a paranoid man
2Analysis and 3 stories
Utopian relationships
Unions like this are almost never seen, and when they do come about, they develop with difficulty. The problem here is that long stretches of stagnation give way to revolutions. If a meeting like this does turn into a relationship, it will be between an epileptoid woman and a compulsive man, a depressive woman and a paranoid man, a frustration-type woman and an autistic man
1Read the analysis
‘This is hell!’ relationships
Relationships between an epileptoid woman and a paranoid man, a depressive woman and an autistic man, a frustration-type woman and a compulsive man do not occur in real life. Here the man and the woman are each other's ‘Shadow’: they find each other fascinating and unbearably hard to be near at the same time. Because it is unbearable, we have never met a relationship like this in real life.
Below are real stories of relationships between personality types like these. We have added examples from films and, of course, analysed them through the commentary of our counsellors.
‘So-so’ relationships, or ‘The Irony of Fate’
He does not so much enter a relationship as simply turn up in one — at some point he appears, and there he is. The romance begins with the two of them being in the same place at the same time and fairly quickly discovering kindred spirits in each other. A sense of mutual understanding arises. He discovers that she is able to understand his oddities. She discovers an intelligent man.
Seduction proceeds by observing formal social rituals. The courtship will be whatever is customary at the time, whatever society currently accepts and approves of. Active moves do somehow get made. He tests the boundaries a little, she responds, then the other way round. It turns into a slow dance, very much like the ritual of inviting someone to tango. Both take great care not to put the other in an awkward position.
There is almost no eroticism; the romance is socially approved. In her eyes he fits the model of ‘a good man’. In his eyes she matches the notion of ‘a proper wife’ completely. He is able to look after her, to court her, and he does not get in the way when she withdraws deep into herself. At the same time he is always there, and he is unlikely to argue with her point of view.
At some point the two of them realise that they are in a relationship. Often it comes as a ring at the door: there he stands, saying ‘I am going to live here now.’ That is how the relationship begins, just as in the film ‘The Irony of Fate’.
As a rule these are academic households: she is writing her dissertation, he is writing his. He knows a great deal; she is well informed about art and literature. Or else it is a settled traditional arrangement — there are a great many couples like this. A quiet family, not particularly noticeable. She takes care of the household and of bringing up the children.
Utopian relationships
Unions like these are quite rare, and the couple is all but impossible. For her he is too lacking in initiative; for him she is too helpless. It is a dead-end model, in which a man in a passive position pairs up with a passive woman.
The relationship can get started if both are balanced, or if one of them had moved into an active position at the time they met. As a rule they meet at large events or in unusual circumstances. An attraction arises, but it is like a boat without oars. Two people are sitting in it, and where the boat is drifting nobody knows. A great deal depends on outside circumstances.
Watching couples like this, you could say they met when one of them was lost. If both are in the depths of despair at having no relationship and consider themselves unworthy, then they may come together as a couple on the strength of that despair — and they do. More often than not the initiative will come from her.
Then there is a great deal of closeness and a great deal of contact between them. The relationship is very much its own thing. He becomes a faithful husband, gentler and more domestic. Men like this begin to take up similar hobbies: they start to knit and to sew, not least for their wives.
She becomes tougher, more categorical — or else a flighty young lady who comes home now and again. And a romantic relationship begins in the couple: he does not feel the romance himself, but he understands perfectly well how important and how necessary it is to her, and he is ready to provide it.
Most likely she starts taking on the active role in dealing with society, since that does not frighten her. They regularly play the following game: she winds the man up until he ‘loses it’. Then the man goes into psychosis, fills up with aggression and finally becomes ‘a man’. From the outside a couple like this looks very unhealthy. You often hear from the man: ‘That bitch has slept with my friend again! I have lost count by now!’
‘This is hell!’ relationships
A relationship in which two ‘Shadows’ come together is a striving for what I do not have. The qualities that are least available to me are exactly the ones that attract me most. This is the relationship between an epileptoid woman and a paranoid man, a depressive woman and an autistic man, a frustration-type woman and a compulsive man.
A couple with your own Shadow is what the paranoid-schizoid types keep trying to form with the hysteroid-epileptoid ones. They are each other's Shadow. No one else feels an erotic attraction to their own Shadow — only these types do. A relationship with your own Shadow keeps pushing the partners into the Shadow dynamic. Romances like this never last.
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